Spider-Man Is Contractually Obligated To Be White And Straight

The leaked licensing agreement between Sony Pictures and Marvel lists a bunch of “mandatory” traits for Peter Parker and his alter ego, Spider-Man. Among those, Peter Parker must be white and not like catching dicks. I mean, obviously. The last thing we need is a sassy dude in a full body leotard who flicks his wrists a lot to turn our kids gay. Also, Captain America’s suit has a Puerto Rican flag on it. Might want to check into that.