Phil Robertson Has A Great Plan

Phil Robertson


Fox News is a 24/7 news channel that runs the same continuous program called, “This Is Bad, But How Can We Make Everything Worse?”, and yesterday, Duck Dynasty guy Phil Robertson was invited on to talk. The last time we heard from old Phil, he was spending more time thinking about anal sex than gay men, but Tuesday night he was talking about ISIS. Let’s see if he applies his deep-seated Christian values  shall we?

Robertson was asked to opine on Fox News’ “Hannity” about how to combat radical Islam and anti-Christian behavior, after ISIS militants released a video showing the beheading of a second American journalist. “In this case, you either have to convert them — which I think would be next to impossible,” Robertson said. “I’m not giving up on them, but I’m just saying either convert them or kill them. One or the other.” Host Sean Hannity predicted the media would jump on that comment. “I’d much rather have a Bible study with all of them and show them the error of their ways and point them to Jesus Christ … however, if it’s a gunfight and a gunfight alone, if that’s what they’re looking for, I’m personally ready for either one,” Robertson later added.

So to recap, we must convert and kill those who are killing those who aren’t converting because our imaginary deity is better than their imaginary deity. Got it. Makes total sense if you just don’t think about it for two seconds. Remember, Christianity and Islam are “religions of peace” whose followers have so much faith that their gods will protect them, that they just bomb the fuck out of each other when they feel he might be taking too long. Jesus was born specifically to be tortured and killed, so what’s a few more lives? He died, why can’t you? So let’s just send more Americans over there to be killed so we can prove once and for all  Jesus has the biggest cock instead of realizing that religion, unlike faith, is archaic, barbaric, divisive, exacting, and solely responsible for nearly every atrocity the world has seen. Oh no, that’s right, it’s not religion. It’s Satan. Religion is just killing people before he does, I guess?  Militant Muslims behead people on video and fly airplanes into buildings, Christianity wipes out 6 million people then has the fucking balls to force people to prove their humanity. Unlike your pastor, you don’t have to give me money for me to like you, so I’ll fill you in on something. You know that the prison you’re locked in with the steeple or dome on top? Yeah, that one. Did you know the doors are like totally unlocked and you can just walk out and never come back? They won’t even chase after you! How cool is that?! Run outside, go to the woods or a park, then look up. Then look inside yourself. You’ll find what you’ve been searching for there.