The New ‘Star Wars’ Movie Is Gonna Be All Dudes

Oscar Isaacs


The official cast for Star Wars: Episode VII was announced yesterday, and a long time ago in a galaxy far, far, away, there was a vagina shortage. Here’s the official release:

The Star Wars team is thrilled to announce the cast of Star Wars: Episode VII. Actors John Boyega, Daisy Ridley, Adam Driver, Oscar Isaac, Andy Serkis, Domhnall Gleeson, and Max von Sydow will join the original stars of the saga, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Mark Hamill, Anthony Daniels, Peter Mayhew, and Kenny Baker in the new film. Director J.J. Abrams says, “We are so excited to finally share the cast of Star Wars: Episode VII. It is both thrilling and surreal to watch the beloved original cast and these brilliant new performers come together to bring this world to life, once again. We start shooting in a couple of weeks, and everyone is doing their best to make the fans proud.” Star Wars: Episode VII is being directed by J.J. Abrams from a screenplay by Lawrence Kasdan and Abrams. Kathleen Kennedy, J.J. Abrams, and Bryan Burk are producing, and John Williams returns as the composer. The movie opens worldwide on December 18, 2015.

Look, I'm a big fan of Oscar Isaac, and John Boyega is in one of my favorite movies, but one of the things I loved about the Star Wars movies was that they always had a badass bitch running shit (Princess Leia gave no fucks from scene 1 and choked out Jabba The Hutt with his own chain while wearing a bikini), so it's kinda lame that we won't be seeing that in the new one. Is everybody going to be having sex with aliens onscreen? I don't get it. Maybe that's why they cast Adam Driver. I'm sure he could effectively explain to the other actors how that's done.