‘Noah’ Made $44M This Weekend, Christians Say It’s “Evil Paganism”

Emma Watson


As expected, Darren Aronofsky's Biblical epic, Noah, flooded the box office with money this weekend, making it rain $44M in two days. Also expected, Christians getting offended. Specifically, Creationist Ken Ham, who was so angry he wrote a blog post about it. Take that, you godless heathens! He's using a righteous indignation font!

I am disgusted. I am going to come right out and say it: this movie is disgusting and evil—paganism! Do you really want your family to see a pagan movie that portrays Noah as a psychopath who says that if his daughter-in-law’s baby is a girl then he will kill her as soon as she’s born? And when two girls are born, bloodstained Noah (the man the Bible calls “righteous” in Genesis 7:1) brings a knife down to the head of one of the babies to kill her—and at the last minute doesn’t do it. And then a bit later, Noah says he failed because he didn’t kill the babies. How can we recommend this movie and then speak against abortion? Psychopathic Noah sees humans as a blight on the planet and wants to rid the world of people. I feel dirty—as if I have to somehow wash the evil off myself. I cannot believe there are Christian leaders who have recommended that people see this movie.

Wait, killing babies and kids isn't cool? Good. Try to remember that next month when you're celebrating The Passover. Because, uhh, you're basically celebrating the night angels killed more kids than Adam Lanza. And, umm, "psychopathic Noah sees humans as a blight on the planet and wants to rid the world of people"? Why do you think Noah was building the ark in the first place? A continuing education class at the community collge? No, he was building it because God was the world's first genocidal dictator. You won't do everything I say the exact way I say it? Cool. Imma drown yo ass.

It’s as if someone heard the name Noah, and that there was a Flood and an Ark, and then made up a pagan movie about it. I don’t think there is anything else that really has to do with the Bible’s account except some names of people! For example, Methuselah is some sort of witch doctor who can do magical things. There is much more I could say about it—so much more. And what’s with the bizarre fallen angels being living rocks that help Noah?

You know what the Bible says about Methuselah? "Man, this dude's pretty old. Here's a list of some of his relatives." That's it. That's all the Bible says about homey. So you can't really argue against a creeative license when you don't have anything to argue against. Methusaleh could have been a breakdancer. We don't know. Chill. And since you brought up the word "pagan", let me know what bunnies and eggs have to do with the death and resurrection of Jesus. Or what a tree with a bunch of lighst on it and an old fat guy breaking into your house have to do with Jesus' birth? You don't have to look it up. It's appropriated from…wait for it…Roman pagan festivals. So when you want to call Christmas and Easter evil-paganism, now's your chance. And why you're doing that, try not to think about who God was talking to when he said "Be fruitful and multiply". (Hint: Noah was fucking his daughters).

I am so glad my wife did not come with me to see this—she would have been terribly upset. I feel violated as a Christian. Regardless of what others say, I just had to come right out and say this. Oh, and it is also a boring movie—yes, boring! Worst movie I think I’ve ever seen.

Oh, no. His poor wife. I've learned to never argue with someone who is blindly trying to push their own narrative and beliefs, so I'm not going to start now. I truly understand why people believe in God and religion and desperately want to feel that a loving Creator is guiding them through this fucked up world. I get that. Sometimes that's all people have, so I would never try to take that from anyone. But please keep in mind we're talking about a fucking movie. If that offends you, you'll lose your shit when you find out what's happening in the rest of the world.