Queen Elizabeth II Is Probably Dead Right Now

[SinglePic not found]

Queen Elizabeth II, 86, who has been sitting on the throne for 61 years because people in England still think kings and queens actually do shit, is hospitalized with gastroenteritis. So she’s probably dead or will be dead soon. I mean, she’s 86. She could have a heart attack if she walked into a movie with surround sound. New York Times reports:

A palace spokesman described the queen’s hospitalization on Sunday as “a precautionary measure.” The BBC’s royal correspondent, citing palace officials, said the queen was expected to remain in the hospital for about two days. Emphasizing that there had been no emergency, the palace said that the queen was taken to the King Edward VII Hospital in central London from Windsor Castle, a distance of 20 miles, by private car. Other than the gastroenteritis symptoms, the spokesman said, the queen was in good health and “in good spirits,” and she was moved to the hospital “simply to enable doctors to better assess her.”

Man, they seem to be overplaying this whole, “THIS IS NOT AN EMERGENCY SHE’S PERFECTLY FINE SERIOUSLY”. I’m so glad she’s okay, because heaven forbid that an 86-year old woman who probably doesn’t know what year it is is going to be okay, so she can continue to have no zero say or influence in government again. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself otherwise.

Paul Mooney on Queen Elizabeth II. It goes without saying that this is NSFW: