Vanessa Paradis Bored Johnny Depp

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“Thank you for this award and somebody tell John Mayer to stop posting everything I wear to his Pinterest. We get it.”

Earlier this week it was announced that Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis split after 14 years together. You’d think the reason would have been Depp finally realizing he was dating Vanessa Paradis, but turns out she’s just a dead lay now. Radar Online reports:

“Johnny didn’t want to be with Vanessa anymore. They had grown so far apart, and he wanted to be free and try new things,” a source close to the former couple tells “He was bored senseless with her, being with Vanessa was making him miserable. “The spark had gone, and there was nothing left. Johnny just wants more from life and believes Vanessa deserves to be happier too. He’s not embroiled in some hot and heavy new romance and he has no plans to jump straight into something straight away, but he is keen to have some fun again. “Johnny was not handling keeping their split secret too well, it was difficult for him to carry on a farce, so now that it is out in the public he is feeling a lot happier about the situation.” “Johnny has wanted this relationship to end since last year,” the source says. “He has tried to get out of this for a long time.”

I know saying that Paradis is a “French model with a unique look” is just a nice way of saying she’s horrifically unattractive. She looks like the government let Sean Connery out of prison because she’s trying to take over Fraggle Rock. Plus, Depp is Native American. It’s our job to bang as many white women as possible. That’s basically our reparations. And casinos. And free college tuition. Oh, and $20K to put down on a new house. And no sin tax. And no body hair. I fee like I’m missing some.