Snooki Lied About Not Being Pregnant. For Money.

Because a fetus should be a way for you to diversify your income, Snooki denied being pregnant while secretly negotiating a deal with Us Weekly to sell the rights to her….wait for it…pregnancy. So I guess when you see the magazine cover, try to act surprised. New York Post reports:

The universe’s collective IQ should prepare to drop a few points. Though she has publicly denied she’s expecting, sources say trashy “Jersey Shore” guidette Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is indeed pregnant and has plans to bankroll her mommy-to-be status into becoming “the next Kourtney Kardashian.” We’re told Polizzi, 24, is carrying her first child by boyfriend Jionni LaValle, and is roughly three months along. Sources said the reality star, who denied being preggers earlier this month, has already brokered a deal to announce the news on the cover of Us Weekly after she shopped the story to several celebrity magazines.

Wow, a drunk slut who bangs randoms got pregnant? Tell us more about this rare phenomena Us Weekly! Whatever. Hopefully when people see this cover it will remove the stigma from kicking women down a flight of stairs when they’re pregnant. Or maybe Obama will issue an executive order allowing the American people the right to perform a citizen’s abortion in cases like this. Oh, please. It’s not like this kid is going to develop a hybrid clean coal combustion system or split the atom for his 3rd grade science fair. He’s gonna be in an Affliction onesie with melanoma before he’s six months because his idiot mother wanted to give him a base. And if he lives to 10 his Make-A-Wish will be to carjack somebody.