Vanessa Bryant Will Be Good For The Forseeable Future

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“I have a collapsible shovel and it fits effortlessly into this purse Kobe bought lol”

TMZ has released the details of Black Mamba‘s divorce property settlement with his ex-wife Vanessa Bryant, and in case you’re wondering how she’s making it through this difficult time, I’d imagine she’s jumping into a pile of $75 MILLION and fingering herself to paint swatches in her THREE MANSIONS.

Vanessa is walking away with $75 million, which we’re told represents close to half of their total assets, estimated at around $150 million. TMZ previously reported several transfers of property earlier this year between Kobe and Vanessa. It turns out, based on the property settlement, Vanessa scored a clean sweep, snagging ALL THREE of the former couple’s mansions in the Newport Beach area. Vanessa gets the estate the couple was living in, the estate her mom is living in, and she gets the new estate that had been under construction for 2 years and was just completed. We were told Kobe was moving into the new estate, but that’s not true. It’s Vanessa’s crib, lock stock and barrel.

Man, sometimes I wish I had a vagina. I know periods and childbirth can be tough what with modern science allowing women to be essentially pain free with both and all, but sometimes if you go to the hospital and get put under anesthesia twice then wake up happy and refreshed as a private nurse hands you a baby twice, sometimes you can walk away with $75 million and three mansions. DAMN YOU PENIS WHAT GOOD ARE YOU?!