Nicolas Cage Is An Undead Vampire (According To A Guy On eBay)

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I’m not gonna lie, this guy makes a valid point. Fox 411 reports:

Here is how the eBay listing for the photo reads:

Original c.1870 carte de visite showing a man who looks exactly like Nick Cage. Personally, I believe it’s him and that he is some sort of walking undead / vampire, et cetera, who quickens / reinvents himself once every 75 years or so. 150 years from now, he might be a politician, the leader of a cult, or a talk show host. This is not a trick photo of any kind and has not been manipulated in Photoshop or any other graphics program. It’s an original photo of a man who lived in Bristol, TN sometime around the Civil War. I’ve had a lot of questions asking where I purchased this. As followers of my website know, I collect antique memorial photography — images of dead people — from the 1800s. This photo was found in the very back of album that contained an unusual number of Civil War era death portraits (which is why I purchased it). All of the other people in the album, living and dead, were identified by name — this man was not. Photographer is Professor G.B. Smith. A contact of mine forwarded this interesting article (link) about the photographer, Smith. Turns out he was a confederate Civil War prisoner of war photographer. Guaranteed to be an original 1860s-70s photograph and not a modern reproduction, copy or photo manipulation.”

Ok, first let me point on the fact that this guy admits that he has a website to share with the world his hobby of collecting photographs of dead people from the 1800s. Now that all my lady readers are wet, HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT LOOKS LIKE NIC CAGE. But I don’t recall undead vampires who quicken every 75 years needing hair plugs. According to popular movies, vampires are effeminate emo fags who sparkle. The guy in this picture is wearing a bowtie. You can’t pout and listen The Cure in the back of your mom’s minivan while wearing a bowtie.