Donald Trump Won’t Run For President

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With Celebrity Apprentice now tied as the #1 primetime show in the coveted 18-49 demographic, beating ABC and CBS combined, phase 2 of Donald Trump‘s plan not to run for President was commenced today. With Trump announcing he would not run for President. The New York Times reports:

“After considerable deliberation and reflection, I have decided not to pursue the presidency,” he said in a statement. “I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and ultimately, the general election,” Mr. Trumps said, adding, “Ultimately, however, business is my greatest passion, and I am not ready to leave the private sector.”

Making his tax records public isn’t really in Trump’s best interest, so the only way Donald Trump would run for President is if “President” was the name of a housing project that was in the way of a developmental land deal. If you genuinely thought he was actually planning on running and hoped he would win, air is too precious of a resource for us to allow you to continue to use. Sorry. If you could go stand in that single file line over there, someone will be along shortly to give you some forms to fill out. And to tattoo the inside of your wrist. Oh, don’t worry. It’s for a raffle we’re doing.