Nic Cage Is Not In Any Trouble Whatsoever

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On the night of April 15, Nicolas Cage was shitfaced in New Orleans and forcibly grabbed his wife and dragged her by the arm in front of several witnesses. The police were called. When they arrived, Cage started punching parked cars and tried to leave in a taxi. When the police ordered him out, his Belligerent Drunk level got a powerup and he started screaming at the police. Witnesses also say that during his intoxicated state, he knocked over his 5-year old son. But don’t worry guys, the DA doesn’t have enough evidence to charge him with any crime. Whew, that was a close one! Radar Online reports:

“The New Orleans District Attorney has confirmed that no charges of any kind will be pursued against him,” Cage’s attorney Harry Rosenberg told People. “After their investigation, the DAs refused all charges against Nick and the matter has been closed. “We are pleased that the process led to the correct result, despite inaccurate media reports, and that Nick has been cleared and all charges have been dropped.”

Awesome. The New Orleans legal system doesn’t even pretend to put a fight in the face of a celebrity who hasn’t made a decent movie in ten years. If I were Christian Bale, I’d move to New Orleans immediately. When he’s not filming, he could relax with target practice in a daycare during nap time and throwing gasoline on homeless people then setting them on fire. Then, of course, he’d have to rush home to clean up because the ceremony to present him with the key to the city and a virgin of his choice is all the way across town and the police motorcade will take a while to get him there.