Charlie Sheen Has Died Four Times In The Last Six Months

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When he’s not busy winning and riding a mercury surfboard into a puddle of tiger blood, Charlie Sheen spends the rest of his time dying then being brought back to life. The Enquirer reports:

The drug-addled Two and a Half Men star – whose bizarre lifestyle and insane rants have become a national spectacle recently – grew so concerned that his routine cocaine benders would end in his death that he’s become a regular user of nitroglycerin tablets, say sources. The tablets contain a chemical compound commonly used to prevent cardiac arrest. “Since Charlie’s latest tailspin began in October, he’s suffered at least four potentially fatal cocaine overdoses – maybe even more – but his life was saved each time by people who rushed to his side and rescued him,” an insider told The ENQUIRER. The actor’s overdoses have become so predictable that he now actually plans for them in advance, continued the insider. Charlie reportedly carries sublingual (under the tongue) nitroglycerin pills with him when he’s using cocaine. When his drug intake reaches the point that his heart rate starts to increase dramatically, Charlie pops a pill – believing it prevents a deadly heart attack, says the insider. But on at least four occasions, Charlie – who has been fired by CBS and Warner Bros. from “Two and a Half Men” – has found himself in a life-or-death situation when he couldn’t get to the pills on time, maintains the insider. In each case, someone had to come to the 45-year-old actor’s aid after he collapsed in his home. During three of the episodes, an assistant or a friend in the home found Charlie “strewn across the floor, sweating bullets, while he was going in and out of consciousness,” continued the insider. “Luckily, they got to him in time and were able to get a nitroglycerin pill under his tongue,” which revived him.

Who is this assistant or friend? Are they in a union? How can they expect me to make any money in my dead pool if they save this idiot drug addict every time he can’t handle his blow? If somebody can find them and tell them to make their check out to “Todd”, I’d really appreciate it. I also accept PayPal. Or gift cards from a selective list of online businesses.