Please Pray For This Child

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If you have any spare footballs or action figures lying around, please send them to wherever Elton John lives, because Elton John and David Furnish just introduced their new baby, Zachary. Look, I’m all about people rescuing unwanted kids and giving them a better life, but couldn’t these two queens have adopted a girl? At least then when she sings Judy Garland at her 1st grade talent show and wears a bedazzled bolo tie for picture day she won’t get her ass kicked during recess. What’s really gonna be amazing is when little Zachary gets married to some dude named Kyle, and people will marvel and wonder about how Elton managed to pick out the one gay baby at the adoption agency. What random luck! What great fortune! Because people are born gay, you see, and it in no way is decided by external factors and the fact that your parents are gayer than a key party in Sparta.

Note: Apparently, one of them ejaculated in a cup and inseminated a surrogate female. Or as Elton John describes it, “OMG, ewwwww!”