Christine Teigen Is New Here, Not Really

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I was under the impression that only you miserable assholes read this site (No! not you, I love you! You know that, baby), but apparently a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit and Victoria’s Secret model reads it, too. Specifically, Christine Teigen. American Airlines’ fascist policy against looking at online nudity brought us together, and now I’m trying to convince her to do an interview since I am the Charlie Rose of celebrity blogs. She’s Thai and Norwegian and she’s currently dating John Legend, who apparently kept himself entertained during the AMAs by reading my live tweets. Although, he was recently busy recording an album with The Roots (AVAILABLE NOW!!!). Man, how did that link get in there?! It’s almost like I’m kissing her ass or something! Hahahaha, I can’t believe that you would even suggest such a th….well, let’s be honest. I kissed a free phone’s ass before, so let’s not pretend we don’t know what’s happening here.

By the way, it’s also Christine Teigen’s 25th birthday today. And I won $20 on a scratch off ticket today. Man, me and John Legend! Just two guys living the dream!