Jake Gyllenhaal Isn’t Gay

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Says effeminate lead singer of Maroon 5 to a gay magazine.

Will everyone stop thinking that dude is gay? Seriously guys. How immature is it of the media to perceive this guy — it has to be because of Brokeback, right? I’ve known this dude forever. He’s one of my oldest friends, and it’s very weird that they have this — it’s very immature and infantile the way they treat his whole situation. If him hanging out with his bros means he’s gay, it’s like further perpetuating that weird homophobia that exists in our culture, which is just stupid. So, yeah, he’s my buddy. I fuckin’ love the guy.

Man, somebody sounds a little defensive. But he has a point, because what heterosexual guy turn this down? And what famous young actor with his pick of young, hot ass wouldn’t want to date a recently divorced single mom with two kids? And what heterosexual guy would hang out with his “bros” and not do this with Austin Nichols? The same Austin Nichols that Gyllenhaal “spent most of the day in Nichols’ trailer” while Nichols was filming John From Cincinnati? It can’t be the same guy who is widely known to be Toothy Tile because of this guy, can it? Probably not. It’s a good thing that Gyllenhaal has such a good friend in Levine. It’s rare that you can find a good friend who shares the same goals and dreams and interests as you. You know, interests such as cock.