Yeah. That’s The Reason.

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You’d think there would be only one reason why someone who looks like they should be sitting on Jane Goodall’s shoulder wouldn’t wear a bikini. But then you remember that this someone lives in a land of delusion where every guy has a brown midget fetish.

“I would rather wear a sexy one-piece whether I am heavy or down to 90 pounds,” Snooki, 22, tells PEOPLE. “I wore one-piece suits when I was really skinny to hide my nakedness in a sexy way. I think they are more provocative because it makes guys want to see more of me.” Snooki admits she gained weight in Miami, where she indulged in junk food and plenty of tequila during late night parties at South Beach clubs like Ocean’s 10 and Tantra. “I do like to feel healthy,” she says. “After eating fast food and drinking booze every day in Miami, I know I need to lose weight. I want to feel better. I plan to go back to eating salads and chicken with no drinking.” Snooki also plans on working out, but in a fun and familiar way. “I was more fit when I was cheerleading in high school,” she says. “I will hit the gym and do cheerleading stunts for some good exercise in coming days.”

Let me see…how can I put this as delicately as possible….the only way I would want to see more of this UV ray gnome is during her autopsy.