Cristiano Ronaldo Might Be Gay

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International soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo, forward for Spanish club Real Madrid and captain of the Portuguese national team is marrying Russian model, Irina Shayk. Possibly because he’s a flaming queer. reports:

Soccer super star Ronaldo’s public life just keeps getting better. Someone posted a comment posing as his Russian girlfriend Irina Shayk announcing through her Facebook account that the two were engaged to be married ‘before Christmas.’ There have always been rumors about Cristiano’s sexuality. The guy has become a symbol for ultra-metro sexuality that has left David Beckham looking like a barbarian. To add more fuel to the speculations, Ronaldo recently announced that he had become a father, but ala Ricky Martin (through a surrogate mother), according to reports. If that wasn’t enough, the soccer stud was recently spotted hanging out with Lance Bass at a club in NYC. Cristiano also spoke out recently in favor of same-sex marriage.

Although he had the greatest pick up line in history (“Me, you, fuck fuck”), dude seems like a wispy little fairy most of the time. I don’t know if that because he’s gay or is from across the Atlantic. Dudes over there carry purses and still dance with glowsticks so there’s really no telling. Take Boston for instance, sprinkled in with the pasty, bitter white dudes, you have guys who look like they saw Hostel being filmed in their front yard. They make just enough from washing dishes and moving furniture to hit the club with fresh ether and combed chest hair. My friend told about this Bulgarian dude who was into threesomes with her, but had Marilyn Monroe towels and silk tiger-striped sheets. So either Scarface is the only the only movie that will show on a projector powered by a goat walking in a circle, or dudes overseas like cock and vagina. “What? Ewwww, ” my penis just said.