The Oscar Nominees Were Announced Today

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The nominees for the 82nd Annual Academy Awards were announced earlier this morning, and since I think everything is about me, I put my prediction in italics. The only people on this list who deserve an Oscar are Jeff Bridges and the utterly brilliant Cristoph Waltz, so my winners are what I’ve come to expect from the Academy. When a 3D remake of Pocahontas is the toast of the town, you should really consider reading some pamphlets on suicide. You know, just to consider all of your options.

Best Actress In A Supporting Role

Penelope Cruz – Nine

Vera Farmiga – Up In The Air

Maggie Gyllenhaal – Crazy Heart

Anna Kendrick – Up In The Air

Mo’nique – Precious

Todd – Don’t Care. Maybe Maggie Gyllenhall. Maybe that fat black chick. Oh, who gives a shit.

Best Actor In A Supporting Role

Matt Damon – Invictus

Woody Harrelson – The Messenger

Christopher Plummer – The Last Station

Stanley Tucci – The Lovely Bones

Cristoph Waltz – Inglourious Basterds

Best Actress In A Leading Role

Sandra Bullock – The Blind Side

Helen Mirren – The Last Station

Carey Mulligan – An Education

Gabourey Sidibe – Precious

Meryl Streep – Julie & Julia

Best Actor In A Leading

Jeff Bridges – Crazy Heart

George Clooney – Up In The Air

Colin Firth – A Single Man

Morgan Freeman – Invictus

Jeremy Renner – The Hurt Locker

Best Director

James Cameron – Avatar

Kathryn Bigelow – The Hurt Locker

Quentin Tarantino – Inglourious Basterds

Lee Daniels – Precious

Jason Reitman – Up In The Air

Best Original Screenplay

The Hurt Locker

Inglourious Basterds

The Messenger

A Serious Man

Up

Best Picture

Avatar

The Blind Side

District 9

An Education

The Hurt Locker

Inglourious Basterds

Precious

A Serious Man

Up

Up in the Air

NOTE: If you didn’t like Up, you have no soul and should be thrown into a pit of fire with demon tigers, because obviously you are dead inside.