Tiger Woods Is Not Doing So Well

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UPDATE: Yeah, so, this may or may not be a hoax. Damn you, Internet! First the Nigerians didn’t deposit that money into my account like they promised now this!! (A special thanks to Kristin for the heads up. I mean it’s not like I was going to research this. What am I a reporter?)

Furman Bisher, a renowned and respected sports journalist who is called the “dean” of Masters journalists by The Golf Channel, knows why Tiger Woods hasn’t been seen for five weeks and repeatedly dodged requests to be interviewed by police. Um, that would be because he was having FACIAL RECONSTRUCTION SURGERY! Daily Mail reports:

According to Bisher, Woods’s wife Elin struck her husband in the face with a nine iron after she confronted him over text messages from mistress Rachel Uchitel. He said: ‘At one point Tiger turned away to look at the TV, and as he turned back, Elin hit him on the right side of the face with the head of a 9 – iron. ‘When she struck Tiger, she put a huge gash in the right side of his face next to his nose (causing his nose to bruise some), and virtually knocking two of his upper teeth out, and breaking the bone on the upper right side. ‘Tiger ran scared as hell out of the house (which is why he had on no shoes) with Elin swinging the golf club throughout the hallway to the garage (i.e. causing the severe damage which has been reported). ‘Tiger hoped in the Escalade and tried to leave; and as we know Elin knocked out the windows in the Escalade. When Tiger crashed, Elin panicked and was not sure what to tell the police (which is why there are two conflicting stories from her).’ Bisher said after Woods checked out of hospital he was flown by private jet to Phoenix, Arizona, where he met with a plastic surgeon and cosmetic dentist. The sportswriter said Woods’s absence from Florida was the reason he failed to meet with Florida Highway Patrol (FHP) officers on three occasions to discuss the crash. Bisher writes: ‘If you remember FHP kept showing up at Isleworth to talk to Tiger, and was told by another FL attorney (who Tiger hired for PR reasons) Tiger was not ready to talk. ‘Well now we know why, he was in Phoenix, and did not arrive back in Orlando until either late last Wednesday night or early Thursday morning. ‘The surgeries were more intense than what they had originally planned, which meant Tiger was in PHX longer than he should have been.’

Holy shit! Elin Woods is like some Lifetime Movie where the woman gets exposed to Kryptonite and gains the power of kicking your damn ass. “John Connor gave me a picture of you once. I didn’t know why at the time. It was very old – torn, faded. You were young like you are now,” a man with Tiger Woods was quoted as saying.