Tiger Woods Is A Battered Wife

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Although his Cadillac SUV struck a fire hydrant less than 100 feet from his property, Tiger Woods suffered facial lacerations, bruises, a reported slight concussion, and officers on the scene stated Wood’s mouth was filled with blood after he was involved in a single car accident four days ago in which his wife reportedly beat him with a golf club. Tiger Woods has yet to grant interview requests by the Florida Highway Patrol, and remains cryptic and vague regarding the details of the accident. He says in a statement released on his website:

“As you all know, I had a single-car accident earlier this week, and sustained some injuries. I have some cuts, bruising and right now I’m pretty sore. This situation is my fault, and it’s obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I’m human and I’m not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn’t happen again. This is a private matter and I want to keep it that way. Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible. The only person responsible for the accident is me. My wife, Elin, acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble. She was the first person to help me. Any other assertion is absolutely false. This incident has been stressful and very difficult for Elin, our family and me. I appreciate all the concern and well wishes that we have received. But, I would also ask for some understanding that my family and I deserve some privacy no matter how intrusive some people can be.”

When asked for comment, Tiger Woods said, “What, these? Oh, I just fell down some stairs. No, I meant I tripped and I fell into a bookca…no, no, that’s not right..I’ll fell in the shower. I’m just so stupid and clumsy sometimes I can’t believe she puts up with me because I get so..what? Oh no, she loves me. You don’t know her like I do. She tells me she loves me and she always says she sorry when she..sshhh, did you hear that? Was, was that a car?! Oh, God, oh God, it’s her! Hide! HIDE!”