Chace Crawford Had Sex With Shauna Sand

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Gossip Girl star Chace Crawford apparently had a sexual relationship with Shauna Sand when he was 18 and she was 32. At least I think she was 32. I’m not really sure how to calculate zombie years. Star Magazine reports:

“He was so incredibly beautiful — I immediately fell in love with him!” Shauna tells Star exclusively about meeting Chase at a college party in Malibu. The couple began dating “and I even gave him a key to my apartment,” Shauna said. They quickly wore out a path to the bedroom. And though Chace has said he dated a girl for three years while in high school, a friend tells Star: “Chace told me, ‘Shauna was the first girl I ever had sex with! She blew my mind, and I’ll never forget it!’

If I was Chace Crawford, I would go to the nearest Wal-Mart, buy a shotgun, and blow my fuckin brains out. There’s no way he ever wanted this to come out. To reiterate, the world just found out that he lost his virginity to Shauna Sand. Shauna. Sand. His publicist better find a magic lamp or convince some aliens to invade and colonize Earth, because this is bad. Really bad. In fact, in a recent poll of my penis, he said he would rather lose virginity to a bear trap.