Michael Jackson Had a Heart Attack

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UPDATE: Hey, Todd here. Although I appreciate the death threats and your eagerness to rape my family because I’m making light of the death of a guy who wouldn’t have given a fuck whether you existed or not, but me being dead won’t change the fact that he was a drug addict who would have probably asked your son to pull his pants down in exchange for some cotton candy and a ride on his ferris wheel. Sorry.:(

JOURNALISTIC UPDATE: A friend of mine says his doctor buddies in LA say that Jackson was a hardcore junkie for years and they had him on their unofficial dead pool. At least his withdrawal symptoms won’t be so bad now. Brightside!

I guess molesting little boys isn’t like eating Cheerios or taking aspirin, because Michael Jackson had a heart attack today. And it’s not looking good. TMZ reports:

We’ve just learned Michael Jackson was taken by ambulance to a hospital in Los Angeles … and we’re told it was cardiac arrest and that paramedics administered CPR in the ambulance … and it’s looking bad.

He was picked up at his home around 20 minutes ago — we’re told his mother is on the way to visit him.

UPDATE: The 911 call came in at 12:21PM at his Holmby Hills home in L.A.

UPDATE: A Jackson family member tells TMZ Michael is in “really bad shape” and the brothers are headed to UCLA.

UPDATE: We just got off the phone with Joe Jackson, Michael’s dad, who says “he is not doing well.”

Say what you want about his fucked up childhood or whatever, but there comes a point where you become a grown man and have to deal with your own issues. Instead, Michael Jackson insulated himself with his untold fortunes and massive fame so he could fondle sick kids in his amusement park house. So if having a heart attack slows him up from getting a new plate at the little boy buffet, then I’m okay with that. He’s supposedly in really bad shape, but I just checked my watch. As it turns out, I don’t care.

UPDATE: He’s dead.

A source tells us Jackson was dead when paramedics arrived. LaToya ran in the hospital sobbing, after Jackson was pronounced dead. Michael is survived by three children: Michael Joseph Jackson, Jr., Paris Michael Katherine Jackson and Prince “Blanket” Michael Jackson II.

Yeah, this post was a little mean or whatever, because really, nothing I could say would be as funny as Katt Williams anyway: