Observe Vince Shlomi, the ShamWow guy in his natural habitat above. Showing you how, dammit, you can mop up anything with that ShamWow. Except your shame when you punch a hooker in the face 4 times. Yeah, unless were talking about liquid shame (semen), the ShamWow can’t wipe up existential crisis. Here’s Vince’s mugshot:

Vince went down to Miami and being in a new city didn’t have his usual ShamFloozies to stick his rod into, so he did what any normal television spokesperson would do and hired a hooker. This particular hooker is named Sasha Harris and she’s 26:

Reports the Smoking Gun:

According to an arrest affidavit, Shlomi met Sasha Harris, 26, at a Miami Beach nightclub on February 7 and subsequently retired with her to his $750 room at the lavish Setai hotel. Shlomi told cops he paid Harris about $1000 in cash after she “propositioned him for straight sex.” Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly “bit his tongue and would not let go.” Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue.

Looking at the mugshot and reading the report, I’m still unclear why Shlomi’s face has dino damage on it. I’m guessing Sasha attacked him after being punched in the face 4 times.

But, seriously, there’s some weird sh*t going down with this. Where do I find hookers who will actually kiss me, let alone one that would bite my tongue with such conviction that it took FOUR SLUGS TO THE FACE to get her to let go.

And how do you punch someone in the face multiple times when they are biting your tongue? Maybe Shlomi’s injuries are friendly fire?

Stop hitting yourself.