John Travolta Got Fired

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Hired to play J.R. Ewing in the beleaguered big screen version of the hit television series, Dallas over two years ago, John Travolta has reportedly been fired.Page Six reports:

John was given a nice seven-figure ‘gift’ to go away quietly,” our source added. “He also got five family members roles in the movie, and they aren’t going to be in it now, either.” A friend of Travolta confirmed, “He is not doing the movie. They’ve gone in a different direction than was originally intended. I don’t know about any ‘gift,’ and I don’t think the family member thing is correct.”

This makes sense because J.R. Ewing loves oil and pussy. John Travolta loves cashmere and chamomile. J.R. Ewing is a badass, John Travolta is comically gay. Look, I believed that thing about the dinosaur DNA in mosquito blood and the talking rat chef, but you’re gonna have a hard time convincing me that Sue Ellen would get her ass beat by a dude in a bedazzled cowboy hat and pink biker shorts.