Nicole Richie Might Be Pregnant

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In news sure to make you rethink that fresh bagel in your hand, deathly skinny drug addict Nicole Richie is reportedly pregnant. Taste the bile:

That’s the rumor swirling around the super-skinny reality show star, and she doesn’t seem in any hurry to deny it. Richie recently underwent a series of tests, including blood and urine screenings, reports Life and Style, which reports that the tests “confirmed she is pregnant.” Richie’s rep didn’t respond to requests for comment from either L&S or The Scoop, but on May 30, the star was photographed at a reproductive clinic, and the mag quotes an “insider” as saying, “Nicole’s determined to get healthy for her own sake and the baby’s.”

Seriously, is this even legal? The government needs to step in before this crack baby tries to carjack me in 14 years. And that still wouldn’t come close to explaining how someone willingly had sex this with beast. If my penis touched this thing, I’d cut it off and throw it in a fire. Then I’d take the ashes and throw them in a lake. Then I’d drain the lake and launch all the water into space.

Nicole burning the only fat she has left on June 3rd:

* Images removed per request of alleged copyright holder.