Maybe I’ve been too obsessed with her ass to notice, but Jessica Biel looks like she’s aged 20 years in about six months. Oh, I’d still hit it like Dale Earnhardt, but instead of immediately doing it again, we could watch Wheel of Fortune or go to Denny’s. You know, whatever she wanted to do. I’m pretty flexible.
It makes me happy seeing Jennifer Lopez at the Oscars because I know she’ll never get one. She can’t sing, she can barely act, so all she basically has is an utterly confusing sense of self worth and an overrated ass. In five years, she’ll be the ugly one on Univision.
According to the media, Cameron Diaz is one of the sexiest woman in Hollywood. Yeah, this freakish mutant. Just look at this monster’s face. I swear, it would be easier to raise the Titanic that it would be for me to get an erection looking at this hag.
Just Google “Gwyneth Paltrow” and “America” and you’ll have pages of reasons why people hate this self-righteous bitch. When she’s not burning the American flag, her hobbies include not working and avoiding direct sunlight.
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10 Things We'll Miss About 'Breaking Bad'
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“Yeah, Science!”
If there’s one thing “Breaking Bad” has taught us, it’s that science is awesome.
Through the course of the show’s five seasons, we’ve seen Walt use it to take one life, while saving another (usually his own), and narrowly escape all kinds of tight jams.
But most astonishingly, we saw how it can transform a timid high school chemistry teacher into “the one who knocks.”
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The Pinkman Posse
With names like “Badger” and “Skinny Pete” and a wardrobe supplied exclusively by Spencer’s Gifts, Jesse’s burnout homies are some of “Breaking Bad's” most memorable characters.
These guys make up for what they lack in criminal aptitude with a kind of "Renaissance man" brilliance that can only be cultivated by years of sitting on a couch, getting high and debating the effects of the Transporter on Captain Kirk’s molecular structure.
Skinny Pete may not be able to read but he can play the hell out of the piano and Badger’s “Star Trek” script has already been turned into an animated short feature. And let’s not forget the mohawked homie who stole an RV from his own mother to sell to Walt and Jesse. R.I.P. “Combo.”
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Marie and the Color Purple
Marie likes purple. A lot. And if you didn’t think it was possible to outfit your house with furnishings and appliances entirely of a violet hue, Marie has proven otherwise. Is she secretly obsessed with Prince or does her need to paint her world purple have some deeper meaning?
According to Betsy Brandt, every character was assigned a color and knowing the kind of woman Marie is, Brandt pushed for more purple. “Well if her color is purple, then I think she just loves purple,” Brandt told the AV Club. “She is really, really into purple. She’s that kind of person. She doesn’t do anything half-assed.” Watch out, Walt….
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The “Holy S***” Moments
It’s hard to think of another show in recent history that’s delivered more jaw-droppers and heart-stoppers than “Breaking Bad.” From Danny Trejo’s head on a tortoise to Walt’s “Face Off” with Gus Fring, the show has continually left viewers reeling from the impact of its shocking reveals and gut-wrenching twists.
For the truly spoiler-phobic, not sitting in front of a TV tuned to AMC on a Sunday can be more terrifying than finding axe-wielding identical cousins waiting in your bedroom.
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The “Breaking” Baddies
With the introduction of Gustavo Fring, “Breaking Bad” fans everywhere were made to wonder if the mild-mannered manager of their favorite fried chicken joint is actually a cold, calculating drug kingpin sitting atop a meth empire.
While other shows give us run of the mill gangsters and mob types, “Breaking Bad” has a doting grandpa who just happens to be a hitman and a couple of mute machete carrying cousins who make a point of letting those who cross them know action speaks louder than words.
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Hating/Defending Skyler
Perhaps “Breaking Bad’s” most polarizing character, Skyler and her party-pooping histrionics have made some fans outspoken critics of Walt’s wife while others staunchly defend her as one of “Heisenberg’s” many victims.
In recent episodes, her unwillingness to corporate with Hank’s investigation has made Skyler one half of the White family meth conglomerate dubbed “Skyensberg” by fans.
Insufferable banshee or victimized housewife? Everyone’s got an opinion when it comes to Walt’s better, or rather bitter, half.
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“S’all Good, Man!”
Got a DUI? Hurt on the job? Baby mama drama? If you’re a low-life dirtbag in the greater Albuquerque area, Saul Goodman is the man to call.
He’s not really Jewish, heck, he might not even be a real lawyer. But when it comes to laundering money, pissing off the feds and making people disappear, Saul knows all the tricks. Or at least he knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who does…
With his own spinoff on the way, we haven’t the seen the last of Saul Goodman. But it’s his Heisenberg-funded legal shenanigans that made him the Atticus Finch of Albuquerque.
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The World's Greatest Brother-in-Law
At first impression, Hank doesn’t come off as a man capable of taking down the most notorious drug operation the South West has ever seen.
But make no mistake, Hank isn’t just that lovable oaf with a knack for home brewing and inappropriate jokes accompanied by slap on the back. He’s ASAC Schrader! And the DEA bossman has a mind that is always working whether he’s on the case or on the toilet.
Unfortunately for Walt, the latter proved to be his undoing.
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Bryan Cranston in Briefs
We’ve written about Bryan Cranston’s “tighty whities” before and we probably will again. As television icons go, Walter White in nothing but his briefs is right up there with Tony Soprano chomping on a cigar and J.R. Ewing in a ten-gallon hat.
The role of Walter White has defined Bryan Cranston’s career and his choice of underwear.
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It’s Just So Damn Good
We all know awards don’t really matter but it sure is great to see a show like “Breaking Bad” get the recognition it deserves. A five-season run is usually the sweet spot for most shows but it’s hard to say goodbye to a show as consistently excellent as “Breaking Bad.”
We may never see another show quite like it in its ability to entertain, disturb and move us all in one episode. Or at least it if we do, it won’t involve bringing a meth lab to the airport.
