Your Daily Overdose of Anna Nicole

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I thought it would be a little too unromantic to post about Anna Nicole yesterday, so I saved her for today.

TMZ has documents which prove that Anna Nicole Smith purchased Methadone, Demerol (morphine-like drug), Dalmane (sleeping pills) and injectable vials of vitamin B12 when she was 8 months pregnant with Dannielynn. This doesn’t prove Anna actually took the drugs though, guys. I mean, c’mon, what if she just thought the bottles were pretty and used them as knick knacks? Or maybe she put little clothes and wigs on them and played with them in a little pharmacy doll house and made Mr. Methadone impregnate Mrs. Demerol to make baby B12. You don’t know. Jeez.

Dannielynn’s nanny swore under oath that Anna Nicole forced her to underfeed Dannielynn because Anna Nicole wanted to keep Dannielynn “sexy.”

According to the sworn affidavit written in the Bahamas on December 4, 2006, Quethlie Alexis claims she received repeated threats from Smith, aka Vickie Marshall, to “underfeed” Dannielynn because, “Ms. Marshall was obsessed with making sure that her baby was ‘sexy.’ Ms. Marshall knew that the correct amount of baby food was 3 ounces every 3 hours … Ms. Marshall insisted that the maximum I was to give was 2.5 ounces.” Alexis claims that Smith enforced the order by “making sure the baby monitor was kept on all the time.” Alexis adds Dannielynn “is badly underweight and not thriving, as a baby should.”

3 ounces, 2.5 ounces, whatever. Is there really a limit on sexy? It’s not like there were flies on Dannielynn’s eyeballs yet. That’s my sexy limit. It stops being sexy at flies on eyes. Okay, maybe that’s too soon. It stops being sexy at fly larvae on eyes.

Yet another potential baby daddy has stepped forward to claim he’s Dannielynn’s father. Mark “Hollywood” Hatten, who was convicted of making terrorist threats against Anna Nicole Smith, sent TMZ a letter from prison.

Mark “Hollywood” Hatten claims he “willfully gave a sperm sample to then girlfriend Anna Nicole Smith, which she gave to a doctor for future use.” He then writes, “I allege that I could be the father of Dannielynn by means of artificial insemanation (sic).” In his letter to Levin, Hatten says after he gave Anna a sperm sample, she said, “Congratulations Mr. Hollywood, you just made a deposite (sic) in the Anna Nicole sperm bank.” Hatten adds, “I am formerly (sic) requesting to compare my DNA to both Anna Nicole and the infant child Dannielynn.” Interestingly, in next week’s “Steppin Out” magazine, there’s a story that Smith told the reporter, that Anna told him in 2004 that “artificial insemination was a consideration.”

All I can do is picture the myriad sperm deposited into Anna Nicole’s vagina at the time of Dannielynn’s conception. It must have been like Gettysburg in there complete with bayonets, swords and musket and cannon fire. Each sperm fighting for an inheritance. Except it would be funnier than Gettysburg because once they mixed with Anna’s fluids they’d be so high they’d misfire and blow up random vital internal organs. Hey, wait … I think I found the cause of Anna’s death! Yay, me!