The Grammys Were Last Night

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I really hate to call Fergie ugly all the time, but damn. I’m surprised there are even pictures of her. If I was a photographer, I wouldn’t have held up a camera, I would have held up a mirror. Or an ax. The only way she could look less human is if she had gills or hooves.

I’m not sure about the hair, but I am sure about the body, so Scarlett Johansson could have showed up in a powdered wig or a Darth Vader Helmet and still looked pretty hot here. Some say she even looks better than I did in my tux and cape at April’s pool party in 8th grade, but let’s not get carried away here.

At this point I’m gonna go ahead and assume that Beyonce‘s bald, because she doesn’t leave the house without that lace front weave thing. Her face is pretty I guess, but her head is nothing but super glue, tacks and stuff from the bargain bin at Sally’s Beauty Supply. Awww yeahh, baby. Gotta get me some of that.

Seriously, Nelly Furtado needs a new stylist or some better friends because every time she’s hit the red carpet lately, she’s looked like this. Or worse. I can’t tell if she’s there to watch the Grammys or read people’s fortunes.