Jessica Biel is a Freak

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In their “The Eyes Have It” section, E! Online reports that Jessica Biel is awesome:

…Jessica Biel, rumored gf of Derek Jeter and Esquire’s 2005 Sexiest Woman Alive…picked out a pair of remote-controlled vibrating panties along with some other stroke-ready toys from Booty Parlor at the Kari Feinstein Style Lounge in the Hollywood Hills.

If I had to think about Jessica Biel in a pair of vibrating panties for too long, I could put my hands on hips and lift up a car. If I was Derek Jeter, I’d retire right now and never leave the house. That is, unless he’s a pussy. Jessica needs a real man like me. Don’t take my word for it, just ask the bear I beat up that one time. Legend has it we wrestled for thirty minutes, but it was really more like twenty minutes. Sorry if that disappoints you Jessica, but I just can’t live this lie anymore.

Jessica Biel spanking Maria Menounos’ ass at the Golden Globes: