Winning a Big in ’06 award is almost as prestigious as getting the Best Handwriting sticker on your spelling test, so you shouldn’t be offended that Paris Hilton won an award last night for getting a DUI. Seriously. She did. I didn’t catch it, because it’s turns out I’d rather step on a land mine than sit through this for two hours.
I still can’t wrap my mind around Fergie. How can somebody with a body like that look like they’ll be on the next episode of Intervention? All her lyrics are about how every guy wants to bang her, but she never seems to mention the paper bag in there anywhere. X-rays of a tumor on my brain would look better that pictures of Fergie’s face.
In about a year, Paris’ eye is just going to float away. It’s scary. Her right eye is looking at me, her left eye is looking for me. She can’t possibly think she looks good. Every time she gets ready, she probably starts with “mirror, mirror on the wall…”
If you’re shopping for Katharine McPhee this year, you might want to pick her up a stylist. Not only does she look retarded, she managed to hide the only things that make her famous – her boobs and ass. I could go to a homeless shelter and pick out a better outfit than this.
It’s bad when a person who gets paid to get covered in semen is the best looking one there. These are probably the worst pictures Jenna Jameson has ever taken, but she still manages to look a billion times better than Paris or Fergie. I would say something about her shoes, but Tito Ortiz kicks people’s asses for a living.
Comic-Con 2013: X Files 20th Anniversary Panel
X Files 20th Anniversary Panel
SAN DIEGO, CA - JULY 18: Actress Gillian Anderson speaks onstage during the 20th Anniversary celebration of the X-Files with TV Guide during Comic-Con International 2013 at San Diego Convention Center on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Albert L. Ortega/Getty Images)
X Files 20th Anniversary Panel
SAN DIEGO, CA - JULY 18: Actor David Duchovny speaks onstage during the 20th Anniversary celebration of the X-Files with TV Guide during Comic-Con International 2013 at San Diego Convention Center on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Albert L. Ortega/Getty Images)
X Files 20th Anniversary Panel
SAN DIEGO, CA - JULY 18: Actor David Duchovny (L) and writer Chris Carter speak onstage during the 20th Anniversary celebration of the X-Files with TV Guide during Comic-Con International 2013 at San Diego Convention Center on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Albert L. Ortega/Getty Images)
X Files 20th Anniversary Panel
SAN DIEGO, CA - JULY 18: (L-R) David Aman, Vince Gilligan, Howard Gordon, Darin Morgan, John Shiban, Glen Morgan, Jim Wong, Gillian Anderson, David Duchovny, and Chris Carter onstage during the 20th Anniversary celebration of the X-Files with TV Guide during Comic-Con International 2013 at San Diego Convention Center on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Albert L. Ortega/Getty Images)
X Files 20th Anniversary Panel
SAN DIEGO, CA - JULY 18: Writer Chris Carter speaks onstage during the 20th Anniversary celebration of the X-Files with TV Guide during Comic-Con International 2013 at San Diego Convention Center on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Albert L. Ortega/Getty Images)
X Files 20th Anniversary Panel
SAN DIEGO, CA - JULY 18: James Wong speaks onstage during the 20th Anniversary celebration of the X-Files with TV Guide during Comic-Con International 2013 at San Diego Convention Center on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Albert L. Ortega/Getty Images)
X Files 20th Anniversary Panel
SAN DIEGO, CA - JULY 18: Filmmaker Vince Gilligan speaks onstage during the 20th Anniversary celebration of the X-Files with TV Guide during Comic-Con International 2013 at San Diego Convention Center on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Albert L. Ortega/Getty Images)
X Files 20th Anniversary Panel
SAN DIEGO, CA - JULY 18: Michael Schneider speaks onstage during the 20th Anniversary celebration of the X-Files with TV Guide during Comic-Con International 2013 at San Diego Convention Center on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Albert L. Ortega/Getty Images)
X Files 20th Anniversary Panel
SAN DIEGO, CA - JULY 18: Howard Gordon speaks onstage during the 20th Anniversary celebration of the X-Files with TV Guide during Comic-Con International 2013 at San Diego Convention Center on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Albert L. Ortega/Getty Images)
X Files 20th Anniversary Panel
SAN DIEGO, CA - JULY 18: Writer/Producer John Shiban speaks onstage during the 20th Anniversary celebration of the X-Files with TV Guide during Comic-Con International 2013 at San Diego Convention Center on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Albert L. Ortega/Getty Images)
X Files 20th Anniversary Panel
SAN DIEGO, CA - JULY 18: Actor David Duchovny speaks onstage during the 20th Anniversary celebration of the X-Files with TV Guide during Comic-Con International 2013 at San Diego Convention Center on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Albert L. Ortega/Getty Images)
X Files 20th Anniversary Panel
SAN DIEGO, CA - JULY 18: Actress Gillian Anderson speaks onstage during the 20th Anniversary celebration of the X-Files with TV Guide during Comic-Con International 2013 at San Diego Convention Center on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Albert L. Ortega/Getty Images)
X Files 20th Anniversary Panel
SAN DIEGO, CA - JULY 18: Actors Gillian Anderson (L) and David Duchovny speak onstage during the 20th Anniversary celebration of the X-Files with TV Guide during Comic-Con International 2013 at San Diego Convention Center on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Albert L. Ortega/Getty Images)
X Files 20th Anniversary Panel
SAN DIEGO, CA - JULY 18: Actors Gillian Anderson (L) and David Duchovny speak onstage during the 20th Anniversary celebration of the X-Files with TV Guide during Comic-Con International 2013 at San Diego Convention Center on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Albert L. Ortega/Getty Images)
X Files 20th Anniversary Panel
SAN DIEGO, CA - JULY 18: Gillian Anderson (L) and David Duchovny attend TV Guide Magazine Celebrates 20th Anniversary Of The X-Files - Comic-Con International 2013 at San Diego Convention Center on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Gabriel Olsen/Getty Images)
X Files 20th Anniversary Panel
SAN DIEGO, CA - JULY 18: David Duchovny attends TV Guide Magazine Celebrates 20th Anniversary Of The X-Files - Comic-Con International 2013 at San Diego Convention Center on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Gabriel Olsen/Getty Images)
X Files 20th Anniversary Panel
SAN DIEGO, CA - JULY 18: David Duchovny attends TV Guide Magazine Celebrates 20th Anniversary Of The X-Files - Comic-Con International 2013 at San Diego Convention Center on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Gabriel Olsen/Getty Images)
Comic-Con 2013: Ender's Game-Divergent Press Line
Comic-Con 2013: Ender's Game-Divergent Press Line
Actress Maggie Q attends "Enders Game" and "Divergent" Press Line during Comic-Con International 2013 at Hilton San Diego Bayfront Hotel on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
Comic-Con 2013: Ender's Game-Divergent Press Line
Actress Amy Newbold attends "Enders Game" and "Divergent" Press Line during Comic-Con International 2013 at Hilton San Diego Bayfront Hotel on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
Comic-Con 2013: Ender's Game-Divergent Press Line
Actress Zoe Kravitz attends "Enders Game" and "Divergent" Press Line during Comic-Con International 2013 at Hilton San Diego Bayfront Hotel on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
Comic-Con 2013: Ender's Game-Divergent Press Line
Author Veronica Roth attends "Enders Game" and "Divergent" Press Line during Comic-Con International 2013 at Hilton San Diego Bayfront Hotel on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
Comic-Con 2013: Ender's Game-Divergent Press Line
Actor Ben Lloyd-Hughes attends "Enders Game" and "Divergent" Press Line during Comic-Con International 2013 at Hilton San Diego Bayfront Hotel on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
Comic-Con 2013: Ender's Game-Divergent Press Line
Actress Shailene Woodley (L) and actor Theo James attend "Enders Game" and "Divergent" Press Line during Comic-Con International 2013 at Hilton San Diego Bayfront Hotel on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
Comic-Con 2013: Ender's Game-Divergent Press Line
Actor Ansel Elgort attends "Enders Game" and "Divergent" Press Line during Comic-Con International 2013 at Hilton San Diego Bayfront Hotel on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
Comic-Con 2013: Ender's Game-Divergent Press Line
Actor Miles Teller attends "Enders Game" and "Divergent" Press Line during Comic-Con International 2013 at Hilton San Diego Bayfront Hotel on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
Comic-Con 2013: Ender's Game-Divergent Press Line
Actor Miles Teller attends "Enders Game" and "Divergent" Press Line during Comic-Con International 2013 at Hilton San Diego Bayfront Hotel on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
Comic-Con 2013: Ender's Game-Divergent Press Line
Actress Shailene Woodley attends "Enders Game" and "Divergent" Press Line during Comic-Con International 2013 at Hilton San Diego Bayfront Hotel on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
Comic-Con 2013: Ender's Game-Divergent Press Line
Actress Maggie Q attends "Enders Game" and "Divergent" Press Line during Comic-Con International 2013 at Hilton San Diego Bayfront Hotel on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
Comic-Con 2013: Ender's Game-Divergent Press Line
Actor Theo James attends "Enders Game" and "Divergent" Press Line during Comic-Con International 2013 at Hilton San Diego Bayfront Hotel on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
Comic-Con 2013: Ender's Game-Divergent Press Line
Actress Zoe Kravitz attends "Enders Game" and "Divergent" Press Line during Comic-Con International 2013 at Hilton San Diego Bayfront Hotel on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
Comic-Con 2013: Ender's Game-Divergent Press Line
Actresses Shailene Woodley (L) and Maggie Q attend "Enders Game" and "Divergent" Press Line during Comic-Con International 2013 at Hilton San Diego Bayfront Hotel on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
Comic-Con 2013: Ender's Game-Divergent Press Line
Author Veronica Roth attends "Enders Game" and "Divergent" Press Line during Comic-Con International 2013 at Hilton San Diego Bayfront Hotel on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
Comic-Con 2013: Ender's Game-Divergent Press Line
Actor Harrison Ford attends "Enders Game" and "Divergent" Press Line during Comic-Con International 2013 at Hilton San Diego Bayfront Hotel on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
Comic-Con 2013: Ender's Game-Divergent Press Line
Producer Roberto Orci attends "Enders Game" and "Divergent" Press Line during Comic-Con International 2013 at Hilton San Diego Bayfront Hotel on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
Comic-Con 2013: Ender's Game-Divergent Press Line
Actor Asa Butterfield attends "Enders Game" and "Divergent" Press Line during Comic-Con International 2013 at Hilton San Diego Bayfront Hotel on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
Comic-Con 2013: Ender's Game-Divergent Press Line
Actress Hailee Steinfeld attends "Enders Game" and "Divergent" Press Line during Comic-Con International 2013 at Hilton San Diego Bayfront Hotel on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
Comic-Con 2013: Ender's Game-Divergent Press Line
Actress Hailee Steinfeld attends "Enders Game" and "Divergent" Press Line during Comic-Con International 2013 at Hilton San Diego Bayfront Hotel on July 18, 2013 in San Diego, California. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)