The VH1 Big in ’06 Awards Were Last Night

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Winning a Big in ’06 award is almost as prestigious as getting the Best Handwriting sticker on your spelling test, so you shouldn’t be offended that Paris Hilton won an award last night for getting a DUI. Seriously. She did. I didn’t catch it, because it’s turns out I’d rather step on a land mine than sit through this for two hours.

I still can’t wrap my mind around Fergie. How can somebody with a body like that look like they’ll be on the next episode of Intervention? All her lyrics are about how every guy wants to bang her, but she never seems to mention the paper bag in there anywhere. X-rays of a tumor on my brain would look better that pictures of Fergie’s face.

In about a year, Paris’ eye is just going to float away. It’s scary. Her right eye is looking at me, her left eye is looking for me. She can’t possibly think she looks good. Every time she gets ready, she probably starts with “mirror, mirror on the wall…”

If you’re shopping for Katharine McPhee this year, you might want to pick her up a stylist. Not only does she look retarded, she managed to hide the only things that make her famous – her boobs and ass. I could go to a homeless shelter and pick out a better outfit than this.

It’s bad when a person who gets paid to get covered in semen is the best looking one there. These are probably the worst pictures Jenna Jameson has ever taken, but she still manages to look a billion times better than Paris or Fergie. I would say something about her shoes, but Tito Ortiz kicks people’s asses for a living.