Jessica Biel is Taken

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In what the world governments are now referring to as “Black Thursday”, Page Six is reporting that Jessica Biel and her ass are now dating New York Yankees shortstop, Derek Jeter. The couple were spotted at the L.A. hostspot, Hyde, on Tuesday:

According to our spy, the couple were huddled in a corner [and] “laughing and giggling together.” At one point, Jessica, voted Esquire’s “sexiest woman alive” in 2005, went to the restroom and three girls quickly scurried over to chat with Jeter. But as soon as Biel returned, he put all his attention on her. The two left together.”

Derek Jeter is only 32 but is widely considered one of the greatest New York Yankees of all time. As captain of and best player on the most storied franchise in sports, Jeter is a 7 time All-Star and was voted the 2000 World Series MVP. He received $20.6 million in base salary this year, and he happens to be highest paid endorser in baseball, earning $6 million in 2006. I could go on but it’s hard to type while holding this shotgun in my mouth.