Lindsay Lohan Found Her Bag

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British police have reportedly found Lindsay Lohan’s bag that allegedly contained $1 million in jewelry, including her engagement ring from Harry Morton. A bag so valuable that she left it unattended in an international airport.

A member of the public contacted us to say they had found it and brought it in,” a Metropolitan Police spokeswoman said, on customary condition of anonymity. “We have not yet established what, if anything, is missing.”

Lohan’s publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnick, also made the point to tell us that the bag contained Lindsay’s “much needed asthma medicine,” like that was going to make you leave work to join a search party or hand out flyers. Oh man, I don’t think I could go on living knowing that a spoiled millionaire lost a bag that costs more than my mortgage. And I can’t even begin to tell you how much sleep I’ll lose over the thought of her having an asthma attack, although she smokes like an Iraqi soldier wearing a blindfold. With any luck, the bag is empty except for a note: “Hey Lindsay, fuck you. Love ya, bitch! God”

Lohan at the Bobby premiere in Venice Festival on September 5th: