The Emmy Awards Were Last Night

For an award show, the Emmys were surprisingly bearable. Conan O’Brien and Stephen Colbert killed. Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Keifer Sutherland and Jeremy Piven all won Emmys. If Jeremy Piven didn’t win for Entourage there would have been violence and looting in the streets. And by “violence and looting in the streets,” I mean “I would have crossed my arms really fast and kicked my coffee table.”

The only nice thing I can say about Eva Longoria is that she has nice teeth. That’s pretty much it. Even as horrific as that thing she’s wearing is, it looks fifty times worse on her because I’m almost positive the designer envisioned it to be worn by somebody with boobs. I can’t even begin to imagine the amount of super glue and magnets that it took to keep that dress up, because I’m mostly trying to figure out how Eva just spent 12 hours in hair and makeup, but the chick who refills my chips and salsa looks better than she does.

My Master’s Degree looks pretty good hanging on my wall, but looking like you ran through barbed wire and singing a song about a rose and a grave ten years ago lets you keep the hottest Victoria’s Secret model pregnant. I don’t know how much that would equal in student loans, but I would feel pretty comfortable paying for that for the rest of my life.

Grey’s Anatomy would be an okay show if it wasn’t for the whiny Ellen Pompeo. She’s the star of the show, but she’s the most annoying thing on screen. Good thing Dr. McDreamy can look past that. Although I wonder how understanding he’ll be when he looks at these pictures and finds out his soulmate stole Christmas.

Vanessa Minnillo showed up because I guess TRL was nominated for “gayest crap on television,” but in case you didn’t know, she’s Nick Lachey’s new girlfriend. This chick’s body is smoking hot, but her face is just okay. Not that it really has to be, she replaced Jessica Simpson. Chewbacca or a cyclops would have been an improvement.