More Teen Choice Awards Booty

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Johnny Depp won an award last night for being my boyfriend. I’m not sure why he got a surfboard for that. Had it been my choice, I would have fellated him right there on the stage, but that’s just my way of publicly claiming my territory. Instead I was forced to pee on his leg. In my defense, there’s a tattoo of a fire hyrdrant there. I couldn’t help myself.

Here’s Reese Witherspoon without Ryan. Apparently she’s fucking Ludacris now. I mean look at those two. The body language there makes it so obvious. Next time “Luda” raps about his “spinners,” rest assured he’s talking about this 3′ 2″ blondie.

The last time a gigantic white girl wore “grillz” and it was cute or funny was … never, so I’m not exactly sure why Brooke Hogan is wearing this crap. She’s like Kendra Wilkinson from “Girls Next Door” who also tries a little too hard to be black. Those two should get together with K-Fed and Justin Timberlake and start their own reality show called “America’s Next Top Wigger.”

Dear Orlando,

You’re almost there.

More jewelry, more talent, less all of this. Better luck next time.


Johnny Depp and Antonio Banderas