Paris Hilton is Closed

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Paris Hilton claims that she will go without sex for a year so she can solely concentrate on her work. Along with a few of her friends, including tennis star Serena Williams, the group has a standing bet to see who can go the longest without having sex. Paris says:

I’m not doing it with anyone. I want to concentrate on work. I’ll kiss, but nothing else.”

It’s great to have goals, but chances are good that Paris Hilton lost this bet as I was typing this. Falling on penises and filling out blank checks are the closest things she’ll ever get to actual “work,” but every time you hear this chick talk, she’s Donald Trump. Look dahlin’, after you wake up and go to the ATM, you’re not rushing to your underground lab to work on the cure for cancer. You’re a skank. A skank who happens to really, really, really like having sex. So, please don’t pretend you’re a delicate flower who’s committed to her work when the maid has to burn her clothes and be kept in isolation every time she changes your sheets.

Paris signing her crappy CDs on August 15th: