Scarlett Does Dallas

The powers that be who made the smart decisions not to cast Lindsay Lohan (crappy actress), Jessica Simpson (functionally retarded, crappy actress) and Katie Cassidy (who?) as “Lucy Ewing” in the upcoming film version of the television series, “Dallas,” have now allegedly cast Scarlett Johansson in the role. What I was unaware of until today was they apparently also considered casting Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie in the role and this is a real quote someone actually wrote with a straight face:

It is believed Scarlett beat off stiff competition from Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie for the coveted role.”

I could understand if what I read was “beat off flies which escaped from Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie’s underwear,” but not “beat off stiff competition” from them. When you’re as talented as Scarlett Johansson, losing any role to Paris Hilton and/or Nicole Richie which isn’t the role of “bukkake star’s stand-in” or “the broomstick (non-speaking)” would be as good a reason as any to either retire or kill yourself, so it’s a damn good thing Scarlett won this battle.

Promo press stills from Scoop: