It would be super refreshing to come across new pictures of celebrities hanging out half naked that don’t give me shooting pains in my vagina. My vagina does most of my thinking for me and she just told me she doesn’t like looking at half naked six year olds like Nicole Richie. She also said she hates Mischa Barton, but that’s for other reasons which have more to do with Mischa being more of a cunt than my vagina and less to do with how Mischa looks in a bikini.
Coachella 2013: 20 Must-See Acts
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Reignwolf
Jordan Cook, better known as Reignwolf, tore the roof off the place at CraveOnline's SXSW music showcase, and took an electrified wrecking ball to the tired, rickety claims that "rock n' roll is dead".One moment coyly creeping to the mic and the next a raw fit of gnashing teeth, roaring howls and a blur of flying hair, Reignwolf delivers a conversion sermon of pure rock fury that must be experienced. A live Reignwolf show is a bloodlust-roaring blues solo freakout, an unforgettable dose of precisely the kind of rock music needs in 2013. With uncompromising passion, untethered talent and a long future ahead, there's no stopping Mr. Cook – get on this train before he hits the stratosphere.
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Alt J
English indie rockers Alt-J, named for the triangle that appears when pressing "Alt" and "J" on a Mac, are hitting new heights of popularity with a folk-inflected dub-pop hybrid that hits right home in the EDM world as well as those pushing the boundary walls of modern rock. If a band can successfully follow an act as intimidating as Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, as they did admirably at SXSW this year, they're certainly worth a second look. Early singles "Matilda" and "Fitzpleasure" are good indicators of the group's full-length studio debut, 2012's An Awesome Wave, but check out our Coachella 2013 Playlist to hear the band's best track "Tessellate," as well as several more from featured Coachella artists!
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How to Destroy Angels
There's a sweetly familiar hypnosis awaiting us in the electro-infected steampunk wasteland of Trent Reznor's latest project How To Destroy Angels, a collective featuring the Nine Inch Nails frontman, his wife and singer Mariqueen Maandig, art director Rob Sheridan and magnificently melancholy composer Atticus Ross. It sure aint Nine Inch Nails, but Trent's incorporation of more danceable electronica into the digital-industrial grind is culturally timely, providing the slipstreams of EDM evolution rising on the scene – and certainly celebrated at Coachella.
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Puscifer
When Puscifer nucleus Maynard James Keenan throws a party, it’s hard to know what to expect – but you damn well better bring an open mind and a taste for wine. The Tool/A Perfect Circle singer is notoriously unpredictable in performance, but never in quality; a relentless perfectionist, Keenan is known for his unrivaled onstage intensity and execution, whether wailing about fetal spooning with extra-terrestrials or delicately pondering the agony of forgiveness and necessity for constant personal evolution. He’s a man of many hats, and Puscifer is his playground for all the ideas and tastes that don’t fit the format of his other projects – an allegiance-free mix of trip-hop, industrial and tribal sex jams with a strong flare for stand-up comedy and cabaret. Don't miss this one.
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Deap Vally
The Los Angeles rock-blast duo Lindsey Troy and Julie Edwards arrive with their Cherrytree/Interscope debut is due later this month, but have already amassed a growing cult after some legendarily ferocious live performances and a couple of highly promising singles. If you miss the White Stripes and aren't intimidated by enough attitude to make Alison Mosshart and Courtney Love take notes, keep your schedule open for Deap Vally's head-crackin' charms this weekend.
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Father John Misty
Fleet Foxes drummer J. Tillman has been releasing solo music for nearly a decade, but last year's Fear Fun saw the liftoff of the Father John Misty pseudonym, and a wave of enthusiasm has sprung up to accompany it. His performances aboard the S.S. Coachella were reportedly fantastic, and we're looking forward to seeing what the live hype is about in person this weekend in the desert!
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Ghost BC
What do you get when you mix Black Sabbath with Vatican fashion? Apparently, the answer is Ghost BC, a Swedish doom and gloom production with a massively anticipated album on the way. These mysterious rockers have been making the rounds for over 5 years, and still nobody has any idea who they are. Searing metal riffage with a cross-section immersion into electronica make for a timely sonic tapestry for the genre-bending masses at Coachella, but prepare for an overdose of weird – the costume getups alone are enough to strike fear in the hearts of festival attendees.
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Grinderman
Don't miss what may be the final-ever performance from the sex-laced growling supergroup headed by Nick Cave. Unhinged, sincere and pure, that are no punches pulled with Grinderman, no attempts at sleek perfectionism. This band is what rock n' roll is when its guard comes down and its pants come unzipped. Ferocious, strutting and far beyond strange, this is one comet passing through the desert night that you're going to want to be able to say you witnessed firsthand when it's all said and done.
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Blur
The first American show from the Britpop icons in over a decade, and there's no telling when, if ever, they plan to return. Damon Albarn is back at the forefront of the band that put him on the map (enabling the barrage of side project that would follow including Gorillaz; the Good, the Bad & the Queen; Rocket Juice & the Moon and more), and it's a likely bet that we'll hear a taste of newness by way of "Under the Westway" – Blur's odds-and-ends release from 2012. No strangers to the top of festival bills, these cats are sure to put on one hell of a show.
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Phoenix
Phoenix returns this year with a new album Bankrupt!, and have no problems wowing crowds with a hit-rich tapestry of songs stretching back to their 2009 breakthrough Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix. The French outfit is in top form these days, and with one of the most hugely anticipated albums of 2013 on the way, we're sure to see some magic unfold on both weekends in Indio.
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Violent Femmes
Do you like American Music? The Violent Femmes singlehandedly remind us of the carefree, goofy period in the early 90s when songs like "Blister in the Sun," "Add It Up" and "Kiss Off" made everything okay. The songs hold up surprisingly well after all these years, even without the Z.Cavaricci pants and Birkenstocks to accompany them. If you're looking for a sing-along party, don't miss these reunited pop-rockers on the fields of Indio!
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The Stone Roses
Manchester heroes Stone Roses bring their reunion tour to North America for a headlining slot aside Blur, making Coachella feel quite a bit more like a European festival this time around. The hysteria won't exactly be mirrored here as it is across the pond – just try to find more than 5 people under 30 who can name more than one song – but quality is quality, and as long as "Love Spreads" and "I Wanna Be Adored" are on the setlist, all will be well in the little desert universe.
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Jurassic 5
Hip-hop stalwarts Jurassic 5 return with the funky flow this year, showcasing their trade-off rhyme patterns and infectious wordplay in a scene with resurging value for the alternative Hip-Hopper. Though they're never been flashy headliner draws or played the scene-pandering game, J5 consistently put on a damn fine show, and it's a reunion we're excited to see hit the stage this year.
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Major Lazer
More than just a Beyoncé single backdrop factory, Diplo's dance-floor project is guaranteed to have every girl you've been eyeing all weekend losing their minds out in the desert. With star-studded appearances featured on their upcoming album Free The Universe (out April 15), there's a good chance we could see some onstage guest collaboration between ML and the likes of Bruno Mars, Flux Pavillion or even Wyclef.
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Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Karen O has come a very long way from deep-throating microphones and throwing her body across the stage like a ragdoll in a blender, but that's a good thing. A renewed focus on making killer music and maintaining longevity makes for one of the most exciting live acts on the circuit today, and just because she's not attacking herself in performance anymore doesn't mean you're not in for a hell of a great show. Stream the Yeah Yeah Yeahs' latest effort, Mosquito, in its entirety before you can buy it.
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The Postal Service
The digi-blip emo duo of Ben Gibbard (Death Cab for Cutie) and Jimmy Tamberello (Dntel) surprised us all this year with plans for a reunion, and we'll finally see some proper live shows behind their tremendous 2003 electro-indie record Give Up.
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Wu-Tang Clan
The Wu returns in full force to give Coachella 2013 a badly-needed Hip-Hop boost, and without the silly hologram gimmicks that made last year so weird. The rap collective's appearance will be just one part of Wu-tang’s year-long celebration of the 20 year anniversary of their groundbreaking debut album Enter the Wu-tang (36 Chambers).
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Japandroids
Vancouver's Japandroids continue to crush everywhere they go, and seeing the hysteria surrounding their SXSW set last month, we're comfortable hanging back a bit in the crowd this time around. This two-piece sounds like ten when they hit their full stride, and it's best to prepare yourself for one of the only real pits you're going to see among the hipster masses this weekend – they bring the fury.
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Red Hot Chili Peppers
Sure, the Chili Peppers have headlined Coachella twice before, and chances are you've seen them topping over festivals over the past few years. But having hit their stride with new guitarist Josh Klinghoffer, the band is still in fine form to bring the whole thing to a climactic finish on Sunday night. With enough smash hits to full a two-hour set, there's no shortage of singalongs and jump-fest jams in store for rockers of every kind on the polo fields this year.
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Jake Bugg
19 year-old Jake Bugg's mix of folk and rock calls back to Hank III, despite being a British import. His self-titled debut album delivers 14 upbeat punk-folk jams with a startling amount of promise, and radio smash "Lightning Bolt" is just the tip. Let's see if he can hold his own against the big sluggers this year in Indio!
