MTV Movie Awards

[Gallery not found]

Winning an MTV Movie Award is about as good for your career as winning a hotdog eating contest, but it’s a good excuse for celebrities to attend yet another party and go home with more free stuff. Jessica Alba was the host this year. That may not help us break out of our social and economic chains and become one society like the Oscars think they help us do, but at least now you can look at the host for longer than two minutes without wanting to punch her in the face.

If Christina Aguilera or Jessica Alba got any hotter they would need to be rushed to the ER. They are two of the most sexy and normal chicks in Hollywood. If you’re a dude and don’t agree with what I just said, I’ll see if I can dig up some Ricky Martin pictures for you. You stud, you.

Is it just me or is Eva Mendes not hot anymore? Every time I see a picture of her, I see something else that isn’t right. Sometimes she looks like a million bucks, other times she looks like she’s missing a chromosome. The 9 inch toes, the shockingly disturbing man hands, and now the hunks of deodorant in her pits. Either she is a post-op transsexual or she just takes bad pictures.

It seems like only yesterday that I would have to stop masturbating because Amanda Bynes popped in my head like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Good thing she’s all grown up and legal. I wouldn’t want to have to use a hammer on my nuts again. If I did, I could probably use the same one that beat the hell out her toes. What’s all that about?

Brooke Hogan looks just like her dad, and by that, I mean she looks like she’s about to transform into the Hulk. My god, she’s frightening. That being said, I’d totally take one for the team and do her. The Panthers really need a left tackle. In a pinch, we could use her as a backup fullback.