Jessica “Camel Toe” Simpson Goes Shopping

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The vortex of suck that is Jessica Simpson is not limited to her inability to act or dress and her crappy, popularized via Payola music. Clearly, her vagina also does a significant amount of sucking as evidenced by its engulfing her paint-on stretch pants she wore out shopping a few days ago. Alas, no amount of public displays of crotch-wedgie picking could rescue those pants. There’s no word yet on what it looks like in there, but I’ve always pictured it as something like a bear trap which makes a rattlesnake sound when you go near it. Joe Simpson should really consider patenting that thing.