It’s Scarlett Johansson’s fault

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Most movie producers are fucked up drug addicted perverts who have little to no idea what the hell they’re doing. There are ones I really like (Bruckheimer), but mostly they’re clueless idiots who stumbled into jobs they don’t understand, cause it’s not an actual job. You can’t get a degree in ‘Producer’ any more than you can get one in ‘Kung-Fu Cowboy’ or ‘WWE Champion’. So you know it’s going to be gold when producers warm themselves in the sun long enough to think and then talk, especially if it’s to explain an epic failure, as Walter Parkes and Laurie MacDonald – producers of the Island – are trying to do now. Their first hack:

“It’s a bad title,” Parkes declares (about the Island), “It’s a title that refers to something that doesn’t exist in the movie.”

For the record, Dances with Wolves made 424 million dollars and won 7 Academy Awards including Best Picture despite an appalling lack of wolf dancing. Swing and a miss. So lets focus on how brave the producers are:

“It was a big risk to go out with an original, and what turned out to be a difficult idea, and in summer, you’re going out in a highly competitive time. What everyone will do now is be a little more conservative in what you spend, the kind of casting you need to feel assured you can open the movie.”

Scientists smoking pipes and standing over beakers have proven that those creepy 14 year olds in the suburbs who molest their 8 year old nieces grow up to be producers, so it’s no wonder that they can say things like “original” with a straight face, when what they mean is “not original”. And by “not original”, I mean “not original and so comically stupid it was even on MST3K”. But none of that matters since, it turns out, it’s not the producers fault at all.

“Listen, (McGregor and Johansson) are superstars of the future, they’re not superstars of the present,” Parkes says. Johansson is a critical darling with only art house hits to her credit. “(She) is not owned by this sort of young generation at all … even lesser television actresses, quite honestly, would have more connection to that audience.”

“The actress was too good” is a pretty lazy excuse for a movie’s failure. Picture that Simpsons episode where Flanders comes over all frantic and he says, “Homer, can you watch Rod and Todd, Maude’s been kidnapped in the Holy Land.” And Homer says, “I don’t know … Marge has been … kidnapped … in the … uh … Holy Land …” And to even mention a film actor and a television actor in the same breath is just about the most offensive thing you can do in this town. Expect the same reaction you get if you accidentally call a Puerto Rican guy ‘Mexican’. So in summation, these two are why people hate Hollywood in general and Producers to be specific. Unless of course they want to buy my screenplay, in which case I think they should be canonized.