Mandatory Movie Battles: ‘Avengers: Infinity War’ VS. ‘Friday’

Photos: Marvel Studios / New Line Cinema

At first glance, there’s not much of a connection between the ultimate Marvel Universe superhero team up and the simple tale of an average guy and his stoner friend trying to make it through a particularly wild Friday afternoon in L.A. But that’s why we’re here – to make the illogical logical…to make connections you never thought to make yourself…and to spark arguments over whether Ezel is the Rocket Raccoon of Friday or if he’s the Peter Parker (have at it in the comments section).

Without further ado, we break down the remarkable similarities (as far as you know) between 2018’s Avengers: Infinity War and 1995’s Friday. Spoilers are ahead, of course.

THE HERO

Movie Battles, avengers infinity war vs friday

Infinity War: It’s not fair to pick one “hero” as pretty much the entire Marvel universe shows up for this one. But for the sake of argument, let’s just pick the guy who is happy to ignore violence if it happens on someone else’s block but can’t ignore it when it knocks on his door. So…Black Panther? Sure.  With a lot of Dr. Strange and Spider-Man for good measure.

Friday: Craig (Ice Cube) is an ordinary guy who’s happy to ignore violence if it happens on someone else’s block but can’t ignore it when it knocks on his door.

Edge: Infinity War. Because Panther’s Wakanda eventually opens its borders and shares its tech and resources with the world, and Dr. Strange and Spidey go intergalactic in an effort to help out. There is no evidence Craig is going to go cleaning up the rest of South Central after this.

THE GAL

Movie Battles, avengers infinity war vs friday

 Infinity War: There are basically two emotional/romantic subplots in Infinity War – one involving Scarlet Witch (Elizabeth Olsen) and her strange affair with a robot (Paul Bettany’s Vision) and the other involving Gamora (Zoe Saldana) who is now fully dating Star-Lord (Chris Pratt). Both women are tough, beautiful, and do not need saving. Gamora’s sister, on the other hand…

Friday: Debbie (Nia Long) is tough, beautiful, and does not need saving. Also, according to Craig’s mom, she “has all her teeth.” Her sister, on the other hand…

Edge: Gamora. Your sister being a murderous cyborg is not nearly as embarrassing as your sister being a crackhead. So…

THE HERO’S GIMMICK

Movie Battles, avengers infinity war vs friday

Infinity War: Sooo many gimmicks. Vibranium cat suits. Magic. Spider-sense. Hammers. Being a tree person.

Friday: Having the magical ability to get fired on his day off.

Edge: Craig. Because warping space and time or building a flying suit of armor doesn’t raise as many questions as Craig’s getting canned for stealing boxes. I mean…how? Why?

Why stop at just one? Mandatory Movie Battles: ‘Baby Driver’ VS. ‘Drive’

VILLAIN(S)

Movie Battles, avengers infinity war vs friday

Infinity War: Thanos (Josh Brolin). The Mad Titan from….um…the planet Titan is a hulking brute obsessed with combing the universe looking for 6 valuable gems that will give him control over space, time, and reality. He doesn’t care who he has to shake down to get them. His presence is signaled by portals opening and giant, building-destroying ships.

Friday: Deebo (“Tiny” Lister). The scourge of Craig’s neighborhood is a hulking brute obsessed with combing the block for any valuables he can find. He doesn’t care who has has to shake down to get them. Not adverse to robbing houses in broad daylight. His presence is signaled by the squeak of the bike he stole from Red (DJ Pooh).

Edge: Draw. Thanos is basically Space Deebo, and Deebo manages to be supremely intimidating despite looking like an enormous toddler when he peddles down the block on the undersized bike. That’s impressive.

VILLAIN(S) DEMISE

Movie Battles, avengers infinity war vs friday

SPOILERS!

Infinity War: Um, Thanos wins.

Friday: Craig finally mans up and goes toe-to-toe with Deebo, knocking the big man out. The neighborhood rejoices. Bikes are returned. Felicia’s are given their good-byes.

Edge: Friday. The combined might of the Marvel U could barely scratch Thanos. But Craig gets it done for the good of the neighborhood.

MOST MEMORABLE QUOTES

Movie Battles, avengers infinity war vs friday

Infinity War: Thor: “Farewell, and good luck in your quest, morons.”

Friday: Smokey: “I know you don’t smoke weed, I know this. But I’m gonna get you high today. ‘Cause it’s Friday, you ain’t got no job…and you ain’t got shit to do!”

Edge: Friday. Although we’ve all been involved in group projects with morons.

OPENING SCENE

SPOILERS!

Movie Battles, avengers infinity war vs friday

Infinity War: Thanos and his “Black Order” – a group of murderous aliens with names like Ebony Maw, Proxima Midnight, and Corvus Glaive that make them either mysterious and intimidating or the most goth My Little Ponies ever—stand among the bodies of all the Asgardians they just slaughtered. They have Thor and Loki (Tom Hiddleston) at their mercy. What follows is a pretty brutal shakedown.

Friday: Craig wakes up to discover his mom (Anna Maria Horsford) is making an amazing breakfast of eggs, bacon, and leftover pork chops…for herself. He’s left with a giant bowl of cereal with no milk. What follows is a pretty brutal takedown (“Just put water on it, it won’t hurt.”)

Edge: Friday. Seeing your loved ones slaughtered over a magical stone is in no way worse than having your own mother out-breakfast you to your face and leave without a second thought. Devastating.

OVERALL EXPERIENCE

Movie Battles, avengers infinity war vs friday

Infinity War: This is a sprawling, intense epic filled with super-powered fights, intergalactic planet hopping, and more superheroes than a single longbox can contain. It’s emotional and brutal and leaves you spent.

Friday: This is a hilarious, meandering slice of life that teaches you valuable life lessons (playing with someone’s money is like playing with their emotions, settling out of court for $2.50 and a jawbreaker is not sound legal advice, Mrs. Parker knows what she’s doing) that ends with an uplifting victory.

Edge: Friday. Because we WANT to see Thanos knocked the fuck out….but alas…

WINNER

Movie Battles, avengers infinity war vs friday

Friday. You have to give it up for Deebo, the original Thanos. He’s coming for your gems…your necklaces…your bikes….your…