You Are An Idiot If You Still Play Fantasy Football

Fantasy football sucks. I genuinely believe that and I want you to really think about it as you fork over another 500 bucks for a total crapshoot that will surely end in disappointment.

fantasy football, willy wonka

Who won your league last year? Was it someone who picked high in the draft, landed a couple of the best players in the league and surrounded them by quality late round steals all thanks to a well-planned drafting strategy involving rankings and tiers? No. It was someone who randomly grabbed Alfred Morris to stash on their bench before you could because you were at a sports bar with shitty Wi-Fi.

It’s complete luck. It has nothing to do with smart roster management and late round sleepers. It has nothing to do with coordinating your bye weeks between your first string studs and your bench players. It has to do with injuries. And waiver wire order. And total dumb fucking luck. It has to do with your best player, who carried you through 15 magical weeks, not shitting the bed in Week 16, when your chance to win back your entry fee is on the line.

How is this any different than just regular betting? Fantasy football is a coin flip. Except it’s a 10- to 12-sided coin. Why not just stick to over/unders and point spreads? At least then you can start fresh every week. In fantasy football, once you grab Arian Foster, you’re stuck with his will-he-or-won’t-he-play shenanigans for 16 miserable weeks. And you’re probably gonna guess wrong on half of those. (Fuck you, Ben Tate.)

I won a league title one year because of Jerome Harrison. Do you know who Jerome Harrison is? I doubt it. He was a dipshit third string running back for the Browns – THE BROWNS – who swept in and churned out 434 yards in Weeks 15 and 16 of the 2009 season. That was in the fantasy playoffs, of course. I had Adrian Peterson and Thomas Jones on that team and none of it would have mattered if I didn’t pick up some guy who was behind Drew Carey on the depth chart at the beginning of the season.

Speaking of that team, it was one of three teams I managed that year. Everybody does that these days. Where is the skill in playing in so many leagues that your three different rosters accumulate just about every player in the league? If you go to the bar and you cheer on every single play of every single game for every single team, you are an asshole. That’s what fantasy football does to you.

And when’s the last time you cared about the actual outcome of an NFL game? I guarantee you can offer me a more nuanced analysis of Jermaine Gresham’s fourth quarter touches than your favorite NFL team’s 2012 record. That’s where we are as football fans these days. I know I sound like your grandpa, but you have to admit, it’s pretty lame that every high five you hand out on Sundays is now tied to something like the .6 points Antonio Brown just gained for your team with that cute little sideline pattern he just ran.

Just so you know I’m being fair, I still do recognize the positive qualities of fantasy football. Well, the one positive quality of fantasy football: the draft. There are very few things in life as enjoyable as a fantasy football draft. I’m not playing in any leagues this year and I’ve already been to two drafts. I had a blast at both of them. You get hammered, you eat terrible, fried food and you say horrible things about your friends and their draft choices. The draft is a magical time of year that every man should experience.

Once the draft is over, everything goes down the toilet. It’s nothing but bad news until you’re out of playoff contention. Your quarterback’s team decides to hand off on every play of every possession in the red zone. Every guy you bench outscores every guy you start – until you put them in. Then they suck, too. You score the second most points in the entire league one week … except you’re playing the guy who scores the most. Luck. Shit. Luck. It’s all pointless. So remember as you embark on yet another sure-to-be-disappointing fantasy season: all of your preparation is totally worthless and at least one of the top five fantasy point scorers this year is someone you have not even heard of yet.

Whew. It was good to get that off my chest. So, can I come to your draft?