Of all the parts of a man’s anatomy, the testicles might be the ones that most define your manhood. Those two little nuggets do a lot, from pumping out essential testosterone to allowing us to make babies. And typically we try to treat them with respect. Typically. The ten dudes in this feature ignored that last rule something fierce. Here are 10 guys who did weird things with their balls.
Life in Russia ain’t easy. Even with Communism gone, it’s still a repressive, brutal government that crushes souls left and right. Russian performance artist Pyotr Pavlensky wanted to make a bold statement against his country’s “apathy, political indifference and fatalism" and, by God, he succeeded. On Sunday, November 10, 2013, the artist walked into Red Square, Moscow’s most iconic public space, took his clothes off, pulled out a hammer and nailed his scrotum to the cobblestones. Yikes! Police managed to dislodge him and take him to a hospital for medical care, and he was arrested right after the hole in his nutsack was closed.
If there’s one thing that male genitals aren’t great for, it’s hiding stuff. Florida robber Steven Black found that out the hard way when he tried to cash a fraudulent check at a Bank of America. The drive-through teller immediately became suspicious at the fake ID Black’s associate passed her and tried to stall them while the police came to the scene. The crooks drove off, but when cops pursued they crashed into a lightpost. Black fled the scene on foot, but when the law brought him down they made a strange discovery — the man had $1,540 tied to his ball sack with a shoelace. That’s an unconventional wallet, dude.
News reports didn’t release the name of the poor dummy in this story, and it’s probably for the best. The 31-year-old man from Arcata, California, decided to drop a tab of LSD, that happy hallucinogen, and went on a trip that would change him forever. As his freakout progressed, he became preoccupied with the belief that his testicles contained dangerous monsters and he needed to get rid of them. So he did the only logical thing — he grabbed a knife, cut his balls off and flushed them down the toilet. Because that’s how you kill monsters, after all.
Rafael Medina Brochero
What is the value of your balls? If you’re anything like us, you’d say “priceless.” But Colombian poet Rafael Median Brochero put a number on his boys: a cool $20,000. The author put his reproductive organs up for sale in June 2013 to fund a trip to Europe, where he hoped to take part in something called “Poetry for Peace for Colombia.” At press time, he hadn’t found any takers for his gonads, which he claimed could be “transplanted into a sterile person or used to make soup.” Checking eBay for how much nards went for by comparison also didn’t prove fruitful.
We all know the phenomenon of shrinkage, where cold temperatures make your nuts retreat back in your body a little bit. Croatian beachgoer Mario Visnjic experienced just that while swimming nude at the Valalta beach, but decided to lay out on an old-fashioned wooden deckchair with separated slats. As he relaxed in the sun, his testicles responded to the warmth and expanded. Unfortunately, they were caught in between two of the slats at the time, and when he woke up he couldn’t get them out. Eventually, maintenance workers with saws were called and they cut the chair apart to extract his sack.
We’re all looking for thrills, right? You know, fun times and excitement? When Thomas Ross of Albuquerque, New Mexico, went to an IMAX movie and got bored halfway through, he absconded into the bathroom to take a piss into the sink. That’s nasty enough, but it’s his second act that earned Mr. Ross a spot on this list. When another moviegoer called the cops on him, the reporting officer found the apathetic moviegoer with his pants around his ankles injecting heroin directly into his scrotum. He was taken into custody and booked for possession and indecent exposure.
Let’s head over to Nigeria for a particularly disturbing story of a dude with too little respect for his balls. Toyin Ibatunde was a prospective businessman who lost a great amount of money in an engine oil deal. Unable to face his ripped-off customers, he first tried to commit suicide by tying a rock around his neck and jumping into a well. Concerned bystanders rescued him, only for the distraught man to grab a broken bottle and use it to chop into his scrotum, pulling out his testicles and throwing them into the bushes where they were presumably eaten by wild animals.
Here’s another artist who used his own nuts in a performance to disturbing effect. Mao Sugiyama is a Japanese “body artist” who, in 2012, sent out a very special invitation. One lucky buyer could, for the price of 100,000 yen, attend an exclusive meal where the main course would be Sugiyama’s penis, testes and scrotum. Amazingly, somebody paid up, and in April, just a few days after his 22nd birthday, Sugiyama got his package cut off and cooked it up with button mushrooms and Italian parsley. Because cannibalism is not explicitly against the law in Japan, authorities could do nothing about the macabre meal.
If I were this guy, I’d use a stage name, too. In 2003, a man launched a website called “Testicle Theater,” which featured short films parodying some of the cinema’s most beloved classics. The dramatis personae? His own testicles, decorated with makeup and cunning little costumes. “Sackie Gleason” released takes on "The Empire Strikes Back," "Big," "Jaws" and dozens of other films before disappearing from the Internet forever. With a scrotum that recognizable, it’s amazing he’s managed to stay underground for so long.
Next: Lighten Things Up With Some Hilarious Swing Fails
The press has so far not identified the last entry on this list, but his story is so bizarre that it has to make it in. A wedding in Brentwood, United Kingdom, was about to begin when a man charged into the All Saints Church wielding a pair of scissors and proceeded to chop off his ball sack and throw it on the floor while ranting and raving. He then started to throw chairs around the chapel until police managed to get him restrained and taken away for psychiatric care. Amazingly enough, the wedding was only delayed a half an hour for cleanup.