With production already started on “The Expendables 3” (this time with Harrison Ford and Antonio Banderas!) and producers kicking around the idea of an “Expenda-belles” spin-off (with an all-female team of ass-kickers), we feel it’s time to consider how this basic concept — let’s gather up actors famous for playing action heroes and put them all in one movie — can be pushed even further. A few of our humble suggestions …
How about a team made up entirely of financial scumbags? Imagine the damage they could do to the global economy! (Or, you know, just read the news.) It’s time these pin-striped number-crunchers came together — with a roster comprised of:
Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas in “Wall Street”), Jim Young (Ben Affleck in “The Boiler Room”), Jordan Belfort (Leonardo DiCaprio in “The Wolf of Wall Street”), John Tuld (Jeremy Irons in “Margin Call”), Howard Prescott (Richard Jordan in “The Secret of My Success”), “Larry the Liquidator” Garfield (Danny DeVito in “Other People’s Money”) and, of course, Randolph and Mortimer Duke (Ralph Bellamy and Don Ameche from “Trading Places”).
There have been plenty of superteams made up of men who dress in drag ("Monty Python’s Flying Circus," "The Kids in the Hall") but there has never been a gathering of men who’ve played actual female characters … until now! We’re talking:
Rasputia (Eddie Murphy in “Norbit”), Edna Turnblad (John Travolta in “Hairspray”), Lady Agatha D’Ascoyne (Alec Guinness in “Kind Hearts and Coronets”), Jill Sadelstein (Adam Sandler in “Jack and Jill”), Nurse Noakes (Hugo Weaving in “Cloud Atlas”) and Marlene McFly (Michael J. Fox in “Back to the Future Part II”). In a twist, we learn that the gang has been brought together by Linda Hunt (who played a man in “The Killing Fields”).
“This summer, get ready to hail the CHIEFS.” When American freedom is threatened by a global syndicate of the world’s most vile terrorists, it’s going to take a lot more than just one POTUS to take them down ... it’s going to take the best of the best! Get ready to swear in:
President James Marshall (Harrison Ford, “Air Force One”), President Beck (Morgan Freeman, “Deep Impact”), President Thomas Whitmore (Bill Pullman, “Independence Day”), President James Dale (Jack Nicholson, “Mars Attacks!”), President Lindberg (Tiny Lister, “The Fifth Element”), President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho (Terry Crews, “Idiocracy”) and President, er … "The President" (Donald Pleasence, “Escape from New York”).
Consider the world’s comedic/emotional needs met, because we’re bringing together the best gay best friends/neighbors in cinema history! Get ready to cry on the shoulders of:
Damian (Daniel Franzese, “Mean Girls”), George Downes (Rupert Everett, “My Best Friend’s Wedding”), Wallace Wells (Kieran Culkin, “Scott Pilgrim vs. the World”), Brandon (Dan Byrd, “Easy A”), Frank Sachs (Cuba Gooding Jr., “As Good As It Gets”) and Christian (Justin Walker, “Clueless”).
Get ready to approach the bench as the world’s orneriest, most gavel-happy badasses come together to take down scum once and for all. This time, evil doesn’t get a recess. All rise, for the honorable:
Judge Chamberlain Haller (Fred Gwynne from “My Cousin Vinny”), Judge Elihu Smalls (Ted Knight from “Caddyshack”), Judge Hank “The Hangman” BMW (Stephen Root from “Idiocracy”), Judge Stephen “The Hammer” Wexler (Harris Yulin from “Ghostbusters II”), Judge Shoat (Alfre Woodward from “Primal Fear”) and, naturally, Judge Dredd (Karl Urban from “Dredd”).
They crush ... because they care! Can megaplexes handle all the tough but unconditional love unleashed when the world’s most famous movie moms join forces? This is hardly a playgroup for:
Peg Boggs (Dianne Wiest, “Edward Scissorhands”), Helen Parr (Holly Hunter, “The Incredibles”), Alice Ward (Melissa Leo, “The Fighter”), Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton, “Terminator 2”), Betty Mahmoody (Sally Field, “Not Without My Daughter”), Jules and Nic (Julianne Moore and Annette Bening, “The Kids Are All Right”), Beverly Sutphin (Kathleen Turner, “Serial Mom”) and Maria Portokalos (Lainie Kazan, “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”).
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That’s right. Finally, all in one movie, every actor who owes his or her career to a more famous parent or sibling! The screen will explode with underserved success and inexplicable longevity! Watch in awe as:
Gwyneth Paltrow (daughter of Blythe Danner and producer Bruce Paltrow), Clint Howard (brother of Ron Howard), Bryce Dallas Howard (daughter of Ron Howard), Colin Hanks (son of Tom Hanks), Emma Roberts (daughter of Eric Roberts, niece of Julia Roberts), Nicolas Cage (nephew of Francis Ford Coppola), Joaquin Phoenix (brother of River Phoenix), Allison Williams (daughter of NBC news anchor Brian Williams), Drew Barrymore (her entire bloodline), Kiefer Sutherland (son of actor Donald Sutherland), Charlie Murphy (brother of Eddie Murphy), Kevin Dillon (brother of Matt Dillon), Tori Spelling (daughter of producer Aaron Spelling) and Jaden Smith (son of Will Smith) finally pay their dues. Directed by Jason Reitman (son of director Ivan Reitman).