After nearly a year and a half of breaking down age-old, outdated stereotypes of man, teaching him how to cry a little more and tie his own shoes, we’ve done something to help out our impressive – might we add, stunning - lady readership in the goings-on of love-lurking. Because as flawed as we men are, you’re not always a prize yourselves, so occasionally we have to draw the line in order to evolve once again into lovable people from the hideous creatures we’ve become. Forgive our abashed honesty. Click ahead for the different types of girls that we rarely want anything to do with.
Self-Proclaimed Free Spirit
You wear a piece of cloth covering just enough to allow you into public places, blasting those nips for everyone to see. Your stance on monogamy is purely indifferent because you’re too busy tonguing multiple dudes to notice you’re out on a date, and your refusal to hold down a normal job because you need to spread your wings and fly leaves us paying for your alcohol inhalation. So yes, we’re very aware you’re a free spirit, no need to paint it on the walls when it’s already written on the store sign in big letters like a shop on clearance.
Of course we’re cool hanging out with a girl comfortable in her own body, and we appreciate the challenge of a girl who isn’t nailed down so easily and keeps her artistic side unencumbered and open to suggestion, but when you’re meeting mom, she’s very aware how free your spirit is when those rock hard nips shine at her like the Fourth of July. Just saying, we get it.
There’s a reason why people create music and share their songs with the world, and I’m fairly certain it doesn’t involve the yearning for someone to karaoke (i.e. drunkenly mangle and butcher) them. If the girl is a little shy and ends up softly singing an innocent song that brings her some joy, more power to her. But when a girl goes on a stage with a set list and encore prepared for her evening, belting dance moves and vomiting a third-rate version of a previously enjoyable song on a now-slobbery microphone, then we’ve flown right into the danger zone.
Next thing you’ll learn is how the karaoke never ends since she has a machine set up in her living room. The only thing worse than hearing Smash Mouth is listening to someone else cover it. Afterwards you can cuddle while she puts on a “Two & a Half Men” marathon and her slutty neighborhood cat humps your leg. Bet you didn’t see that coming.
Like dogs sniffing each other’s butts rather than saying “hello,” women’s indecision is something we’ve grown very aware of while getting used to its ugly presence in conversation. However aware a man may be to his lady’s inability to choose what she clearly knows she wants, it’s still on him to make the call. That’s fine; it’s a one of the agreed-upon duties of a self-confident man who gets to share time with such a lovely being. BUT, when he makes that decision, her course of judgment, impatience and disdain for his ensuing actions should be halted immediately since she had a say in the matter and chose not to voice it.
Ladies think they can have it both ways, the glittery grinding of nightclubs and the rash-free afterglow, but when it comes to your silence in the beginning of an evening, our trip to the tavern to play erotic photo hunt should not be questioned. It was clearly the best course of action.
Back Hair Treasure Trail
The new tramp stamp of the 21st century wasn’t ever intended as such, but something worse had to take its place, no? As men we go to great lengths to make ourselves presentable from the caveman-like features we were born into, so the least a lady could do is appear as such, so if there is a treasure trove of dark, lower back hair that’s thicker than an Italian’s dirtlip, it might be time to sack up, tuck away that free spirit and take care of business razor quick. There! I said it! It’s out in the cybersphere so I can’t take it back.
The only way to make this even is if we saunter on down to the beauty parlor and get ourselves one of those fancy wave perms the girls are always talking about. I did it once, and I thoroughly enjoyed challenging the women of society to be more beautiful than myself in that gleaming moment of ladylike jubilance.
Before, During & After Texter
It’s like she’s cheating on you with Steve Jobs. When a guy and a girl are out together, the only thing on their minds should be each other’s company, whether that involves deep-rooted conversation or awkward silence. That’s the name of the game, otherwise there’s no point in playing. If one person’s head is stuck in their phone, the conversation cannot function like a well-oiled machine and is halted quicker than the time she told you sometimes she forgets to take her birth control.
The only thing worse than being with a phone-face is when you come back from the bathroom and she’s still lining up dates on Tinder like she’s starring on the “Bachelorette.” Boy, she really is a free spirit, isn’t she? I’ll just get my coat.
The friends a girl surrounds herself with says a lot about the girl herself. Thus, we inquire why a beautiful, intelligent gal spends her downtime with the wildly outlandish pottymouths of impolite society. Clearly girls have long-time friends, work friends and people they feel they can open that free spirit up to, but must it really be to the girl who can’t hold her liquor past the age of 30 and uses the C-word at high decibels in crowded places you enjoy frequenting?
Like a painkiller-friendly in-law we avoid on the holidays, girls are bound to have the occasional unattractively eccentric friend who doesn’t mind puking on your couch and leaving it for the dog to lick up. But in the event she wants your friends to meet her friends, don't back yourself into a corner of explaining how her friends repulse you and would shred your self-dignity in a manner of minutes. Just part ways before you embarrass everyone involved.
The Unforgivable Laugh
It’s a laugh; it’s totally harmless. Is it? Is it really? When you’re afraid to make a joke in casual conversation based on fear she’ll actually laugh, that’s a deal breaker. Obviously it’s wrong to tell a girl her laugh frightens you to the extent that those sharpened pencils look awfully inviting, but it’s another thing to let it continue without blowing a whistle. Little hints like “we should keep it down before the baby wakes up and tries to kill itself” might work, but after a long enough period together, honesty might be the best recourse. Is it important to accept people the way they are? Of course it is! But not when it makes you want to steer the car off a bridge on the drive home just to silence the deafening shrieks.
There’s nothing quite like having a well-balanced girl, someone who can party like the men but love like a woman, only there’s got to be that balance. If you’re a man coming home from a night out with his lady, and you’re telling her you have explosive gas issues just to get out of being manhandled by her overaggressive animal-like tendencies, maybe it’s time to ask her to switch off the steroids and get back to watching soaps in her SpongeBob slippers.
There’s a general appreciation most guys have for a girl who likes to party and get down afterwards, but it’s another story when suddenly you’re the bottom and she’s not letting you come up for air. There are plenty of sweet girls out there, and you're just avoiding being some macho woman's speedbag. Nobody deserves that.
Next: A Gallery of Hover Hands
Makeup caked across the bathroom walls? Sweaty yogi pants vomited about the floor? Catnip on the dinner table? Come on, you’re supposed to be the clean ones! What does this mean for us Barbarian slobs when compass for neatness is covered in glitter and hairspray debris? And when did women go from having the reputation of being neat and tidy to having a place that looks like the set of “The Day After Tomorrow?” Women have always been the bar-setters for standards of a couple, the voice of reason in times of duress and the objection in throes of selfishness and stupidity, so when their bedroom looks like someone turned it upside down and shook it until stirred, how is a guy supposed to walk in and be the instrument of clarity?
Maybe it’s outdated, but the old model worked pretty well, that is, men hunt and women gather. We do the heavy lifting and they do the heavy sorting. Everybody pulls their weight and balances each other out. But if women want to start the lifting, we’d be tickled pink to pick up the dishrag instead.
Dealbreakers: Where Men Draw the Line With Women
Related: Sex and Dating