Without any real holidays this month (unless you count Chinese Valentine's day, a second shot at the one you bombed in February), men are reduced to relying on the sun and their male instincts to stay afloat. There’s always cause for celebration with some of August's best things, though, especially as we begin to creep toward autumn. And if your girlfriend is Chinese, that extra V-Day could be a real home run for you.
No. 10 - Last Days of Summer Vacation (for most)
The endless summer is starting to look not so endless for some, as the days slowly contract and the nights get a little bit cooler. If you were wondering how to end the summer right, you best get your buddies and ladies together for some outdoor fun before you’re all forced to huddle around the fireplace for survival.
Whether it’s camping, hiking, water parks or wineries that get your beans all jolly, make the time to end the summer right, either with a big hoopla or several small ones, or even several big ones. Don’t let summer sun, summer love and summer trips to the E.R. pass you by, because in a blink it’ll be time to set out cookies for old Saint Nick.
No. 9 - National Simplify Your Life Week (first week)
Ever get tired of tripping over toys and purses before realizing you don’t have any kids, or a girlfriend for that matter? That’s when you know it’s gotten to be too much and it’s time for a little clutter removal. Most things we have nearby we’ve convinced ourselves we need, like the hand-painted space shuttle you built in 4th grade with the water resistant decals and penis your brother drew on last week is definitely a must-have.
Only, your mind and your vision become clouded when all these things surround you. This first week of August, make an honest attempt to reevaluate the things you have and simplify your life. Your dog doesn’t show you enough affection and slacks on its chores? Maybe it’s time you got rid of it. No, don’t do that. But do look at the stacks in your closet, the piles in the walkways and decide what can go, be donated or at the very least boxed up and moved into storage. From there, you’ll feel a weightlessness you only read about in High Times.
No. 8 - X Games (August 1-4)
Then comes those events that defy all gravity and odds moments before making everyone watching appreciate the ground they walk on: the X Games. While no man is ever born into this world expected to hurl his body into the air before making miraculous landing and taking home the gold with his face on a box of cereal, some men do it anyway.
With the summer X Games taking place in Los Angeles, covering the likes of surfing, skating, skiing, snowboarding, BMX and motocross, we can expect guys younger than us to make us feel like real pussies this time of year. So if you feel like reaching for the remote is a lot of work, try to avoid flipping to ESPN the first week of August, when guys will be doing acrobatic action stunts that’ll force you to return your balls next time you’re at the store.
No. 7 - Peach Month
As summer becomes fall, we’ve got to soak up that tan as much as we can so as not to look like a ghost by Halloween, but we also have to eat all the produce before it goes bad. August is National Peach Month, a general appreciation for the ripe, juicy nectar of the fruit gods. A man’s got to enjoy a good peach before it’s no longer around to please him.
Grab a bundle, share them with the kids, hell, bake a cobbler if you have to. But one thing is for sure, peaches are also enjoyable as a flavor for your liquor, especially the Georgia Peach whiskey and bourbons that make your Old Fashioned taste like something the good lord might serve at his dinners.
No. 6 - National Golf Month
Time to get out the clubs and start smacking a few balls at moving cars again. August is National Golf Month, most likely because, in most states, it’s one of the last months for those early sunrise mornings to hit the greens, dodge responsibility and drive wildly on a motorized cart. Even if you’re not a golfer it’s a good time. Ironically, it’s not that relaxing if you suck, so if that’s the case, at least head to the driving range where form and aim are nothing compared to smacking and screaming at the ball like it’s your ex-wife.
And to sweeten the pot, the PGA Championship starts up this month beginning August 5. With 156 players and nothing better to watch on your television, golf trumps getting some fresh air when you’re sick to death of this cursed summer heat.
No. 5 - National Thrift Shop Day (August 17)
Quit shopping at the Gap and making yourself look like every other useless excuse for man. Get yourself some jeans that are broken in at the crotch, a jacket that has a story behind it, and warm yourself by the bonfire with something that didn’t crawl out of a J. Crew catalog.
If you’ve never been thrifting before, it’s a great way to style yourself while learning a thing or two about not looking like your mother dressed you, even if she still does. Find someone who knows the lay of the land and hit up some good spots. You’ll find the clothes are cheaper, better and girls will be stealing them more quickly after your most recent one-night stand.
No. 4 - U.S. Open (August 26-September 9)
Do any of you guys really care about tennis? I think I hear one of you screaming in the cheap seats. The U.S. Open is set to make some racket in New York starting on August 26, expecting to bring in some of this year’s biggest rivalries and hopefully a milestone or two. Andy Murray is one of a few players that people will bet their first born to take home the trophy, especially after smoking the heavy favorite, Novak Djokovic, in Wimbledon last month.
The 2013 U.S. Open is suspected to bring in its largest viewership in years this time around, which can only mean one thing: nervous ball boys are more likely to split their shorts or eat some turf chasing the neon treasure.
No. 3 - National Dog Day (August 26)
You can never over-appreciate something as sweet as a pup. Whether yours is young and pees the rug or old and really pees the rug, treat your dog well, just like you should everyday. Get some of those special overpriced treats they love or find a peanut butter bone they can chew on all day, and while they do that, sit in complete gratitude for having this carpet-terrorizing hairball in your life.
If you don’t have a dog, then this is your lucky day. There are very few reasons for not having one and endless lists for why you should adopt. If you’re lazy, lacking initiative to leave the house before noon or are hurting from your Tinder dates canceling on you, maybe it’s time to find love in another place.
No. 2 - College Football (August 29)
It’s back, baby! The grunting of young men, smashing of helmets and making of poor referee calls has returned, and they’re still not paying these kids a dime (at least not openly). College football is back on the field beginning at the end of the month, starting with Fox Sports 1 airing a Utah/Utah St. matchup to see who is the better team in this open marriage territory. With plenty of games to occupy your free time, including a top-ranked showdown between Georgia and Clemson on Aug. 31, expect a lot of crazy action, not to mention a few firsts, including Notre Dame’s first appearance on Fox since 2007. Should be something to get the fans riled up.
Next: Joys of Summer: Kids vs. Adults
No. 1 - Fantasy Football Drafts
Grab some 12-ounce bottles, order a couple thousands wings and get your best buddies together for the annual Fantasy Football Draft, the one fantasy women will never understand, for the final weeks of August. You’ve spent the last few months studying up on what’s new this NFL season and how to squeeze out the people you don’t like in your league. Now you’ve compiled a list of excuses to tell your lady about where you’ll be for 12 hours on a day you agreed to her ballroom dancing lessons but will instead come home in a cab coated in barbeque sauce, Cheetos residue and beer sweat. And undoubtedly the best fantasy football roster known to man will be yours. Best day of the year.