It’s difficult to pick a movie for a first date. Even if you’ve browsed her Facebook page, who knows if she ‘Liked’ Maid in Manhattan ironically or if she’s a legitimate J-Lo Rom-com fan. Of course there’s the chance that she’s trendy and artsy so you want to watch something intelligent and edgy, but how far is too far?
No matter what end of the spectrum you're on, here are 15 movies that you should never watch on a first date under any circumstance. I’m not saying these movies should never be watched, just that these aren’t the best way introduce your tastes. **Just a note, some of these will contain SPOILERS.**
15. The Poughkeepsie Tapes
What It’s About: A faux documentary chronicles the killings of a serial killer who has left a series of VHS tapes behind to taunt and belittle the police officers pursing him.
What She'll Remember: The entire film is just a series of videos of a man watching women and then preying upon them. Even if she enjoys an occasional episode of" Law & Order: SVU," which we all do, do you really want her first impression of you to be a man laughing while torturing and murdering women in realistic found footage style?
14. A Clockwork Orange
What It’s About: The government tries an experiment to reprogram a delinquent in hopes of solving the future society’s growing crime epidemic.
What She'll Remember: Don’t get me wrong, this is a classic movie, but not exactly first date material. Within the first 15 minutes a homeless man gets beaten, there’s an attempted rape, then another beating and a rape. It’s hard to make any type of romantic gesture with that going on.
13. The Woodsman
What It’s About: Kevin Bacon stars alongside his real life wife, Kyra Sedgwick, as a child molester who returns home after over a decade in prison to start his new life.
What She'll Remember: Another great movie with tremendous performances, but seriously, don’t watch this on a date. There are so many uncomfortable moments with Bacon’s character that would result in your date wanting to take a shower to wash off the grimy feelings more than an urge to make out with you.
What It’s About: After the death of their young son, a couple goes out to their cabin in the woods to try and repair their marriage and move past their child’s death.
What She'll Remember: Where to begin? A man gets his testicles crushed by a woman with a block of wood. That’s never good. A woman uses scissors to cut off a part of her, uh, womanhood. There’s a graphic sex scene that cuts back and forth between a child dying, which is not what you want a date to be associating with any type of intercourse. Also, there’s a weird scene where a man find a fox eating his own guts. No one has ever gotten lucky after seeing a fox eating guts.
What It’s About: A man is kidnapped the night his daughter is born and detained for 15 years, but once he’s released he has 5 days to find the man who imprisoned him.
What She'll Remember: The ending. Good luck making a move after she sees a man realize that he’s been sleeping with his daughter and decides to be hypnotized so he doesn’t remember she’s his daughter in order to keep his relationship with her going. No amount of Old Spice can counteract that.
10. Megan is Missing
What It’s About: A pair of teenage girls become involved with an internet predator in this found footage tale based on actual events.
What She'll Remember: The acting is really bad, but that’s not the issue. The final scene is the real deal breaker, as a girl is tortured, sexually assaulted, (for what seems like an hour) then stuffed in a barrel along with her dead friend, and buried alive. “So, wanna move this to the bedroom?” No. It’s not going to happen and if it does, run.
What It’s About: A man takes photos of fashion models during the day, and then murders prostitutes at night. That’s about it.
What She'll Remember: There’s not much of a plot other than a guy who assaults and then murders around 30 people. Although it’s not real, there is a definite snuff film essence to it. And what girl doesn’t love a snuff film, huh?
What It’s About: What starts out as a story of revenge involving a girl killing the people who tortured her, quickly turns into something much more horrific.
What She'll Remember: Probably the most gruesome beatings that occur over and over to a pair of young women. They even get skinned alive! Maybe put “We will watch movies where girls get skinned alive.” in your eHarmony profile next time.
What It’s About: A stranger bursts into a pregnant woman’s home and begins trying to cut her baby out of her stomach.
What She'll Remember: She will probably remember the main premise of the movie which is about A STRANGER WHO BURSTS INTO A PREGNANT WOMAN’S HOME AND TRIES TO CUT THE BABY OUT OF HER.
6. The Human Centipede 2
What It’s About: A weirdo is inspired by the original Human Centipede film and decides to take it to another level by making a 12-person centipede of his own.
What She'll Remember: Beyond the disgusting sight of seeing 12 people sewn together mouth to anus, there’s also a scene involving a newborn under a gas pedal that’s too repulsive for me to even describe.
5. Cannibal Holocaust
What It’s About: A New York University professor returns from a rescue mission to the Amazon rainforest with the footage shot by a lost team of documentarians who were making a film about the area's local cannibal tribes. (via IMDB)
What She'll Remember: Besides almost every woman being assaulted, there’s also a scene where a woman is impaled on a totem pole and live animals are murdered. Not movie magic to make it seem that animals were killed, they’re actually slaughtered on screen. What gal doesn’t love watching a turtle scream in pain until it dies before a hardcore make-out session?
What It’s About: Here is the actual film description from IMDB:
“A street sweeper who cleans up after grisly accidents brings home a full corpse for him and his wife to enjoy sexually, but is dismayed to see that his wife prefers the corpse over him.”
What She'll Remember: Unless her biggest turn-on is getting it on while "Weekend at Bernie’s" plays in the background, there’s a good chance she’s going to leave the moment Betty puts a condom on a led pipe and attaches it to the aforementioned corpse. That’ll do it almost every time.
What It’s About: A group of Italians kidnap 18 teenagers, nine boys and nine girls, then torture them for four months in the most vile ways possible.
What She'll Remember: Where to begin? Maybe the scalping scene or the genital mutilation with a candle scene did the trick. If not, the scene where a woman is starved and then given a piece of cake with nails in it will definitely get her out of the house. If, by some chance that didn’t do it, when everyone starts eating human feces you should find yourself alone for the night.
2. August Underground
What It’s About: Not really a film at all, but it does follow a pair of serial killers who record themselves on a handheld camera murdering multiple people.
What She'll Remember: It feels like an actual snuff film and it’s completely vile in every way. The opening “scene” involves a woman getting her nipple cut off, her dead boyfriend’s toe forced into her mouth and taped shut, a bucket of urine being dumped on her, and then she’s smashed face first into a wall. If that’s your seduction plan may I suggest just quoting Austin Powers over and over instead?
Next: The 50 Best Modern Movies You Missed
1. A Serbian Film
What It’s About: A washed up male porn star is given the opportunity to provide for his wife and son when he’s offered a job with quite a few strings attached.
What She'll Remember: Movies don’t get much more repugnant than this. There’s a scene where a man uses his erection to murder someone by thrusting it into his eye socket. There’s so much disgusting sex and gore that even the most disturbed individual would flinch. As far as the newborn scene and the final scene with his young son go? I don’t need to go into detail for you to realize that your date isn’t hanging around for the closing credits.