Welcome to July, a month when it’s always the perfect time to do anything your special heart desires, from road tripping to wine sipping to staying home and not moving a muscle in the sweet air conditioning. Here’s hoping you find what you’re looking for, but that you especially enjoy the ten best things about July.
No. 10 - National Hot Dog AND Ice Cream Month
Along with National Ice Cream Day (July 21) and National Hot Dog Day (July 23), July also includes Lasagna Day (July 29) and Junk Food Day (July 21). It's no wonder why we have an obesity problem in America when one month is dedicated to all this deliciousness.
But who cares? Enjoy your summer, eat what you like and grow your hair out without a care. Just remember with every bite of that mystery meat and lick of that dairy goodness, you’re condemning yourself to that many more hours atop the porcelain throne in this hot, hot heat. Indulge yourself, sure, but don’t become the reason parents can’t take their kids to carnivals.
No. 9 - The Premiere of "Camp" on NBC
For those of you who love what you read on this site, know that the people who bring you Mandatory also have a new summer show, “Camp,” debuting on NBC this July. If you’ve ever been a kid at camp, a camp counselor or a parent who enjoys that magical week when they get a vacation from their children, this show will become your endless summer love. "Camp" premieres on July 10 at 10/9c.
Related: Lily Sullivan Is One Hot Camper
No. 8 - Too Much Fun in the Sun
An easy tell that it’s the month of July is the severity of burns on your body. As a responsible, informative site, it’s our sworn duty to tell you pasty-faced freckled freaks that it’s high time you quit expecting bronze when you know you’ll only get burnt (and also, dress appropriately).
Your sun protection factor, commonly referred to as SPF, is a key ingredient in any summer outdoor activity. For those of you with skin the color of a ghost, you’re looking at 30-50 SPF, and for the guys who still think they can be Abercrombie models, you’re looking at 15-30. You can always go down to SPF 4 with a little tanning oil, but you’re pushing it. Just don’t go into a tropical paradise without any protection and expect to not look like a lobster at the dinner table. People will be sticking forks in you all night.
No. 7 - Lightning Bugs, Fruit Flies and Nights on the Patio
Get out your tin can wax candles, insect repellent and hide your leftovers, because summer is here and so are the bugs. Not all of them are a nuisance, as everybody loves catching the elusive lightning bug or firefly, but in most parts of the country, in order to enjoy a nice summer night on your patio, you'll need to keep the bugs at bay.
But once you figure that out, you are free to sit outside and sip ice tea (or beer cocktails) and enjoy the perfect nights that follow some of the hottest days of the year.
No. 6 - World UFO Day (July 2)
Before we get all gung-ho about July 4th, let's not forget to pay attention to a very important day in the lives of those who believe in alien life (which is half of America, according to a recent poll). Yes, July 2 is World UFO Day, and there is really only one way to celebrate it right: get drunk with your friends and argue over whether or not the government is hiding something from us about aliens. Or, you could just check out the 15 most incredible UFO stories.
No. 5 - Nude Recreation Week & National Nude Day
It’s a bit dangerous to offer people a place to strip themselves bare and let their loose parts hang for all to see, especially if you’re living in one of the less attractive, more obese areas of the country. But regardless, Nude Recreation Week falls on the second week of July with National Nude Day landing on July 14. Get naked on a Sunday when no one else is likely to? That sounds like a dream amongst dreams.
No. 4 - Heading to the Ballpark
Now that the NBA and NHL seasons are over with (go Hawks!), we can take a moment to rest our weary eyes from watching grown men cry and flop like fish out of water to win a championship (thank you, LeBron, for keeping us entertained). With those sports behind us, it really only leaves room for our national pastime of going to the ballpark, grabbing a lapful of indigestible snacks and oversized, overpriced domestic drafts you’ll more than likely spill half of, so you can cheer on your team at the old ball game. After a couple bags of peanuts, a few ballpark dogs and some warm beers, you’ll remember why you don’t go as often as you’d like to, but it's always fun to go at least once a year, even if you don't care about baseball.
No. 3 - Summer Weddings
It’s that time of year again, the time when everybody wants their dreamy summer wedding, full of sunshine, good times, drunk dancing and a little romance. The only problems here are the forgotten charms of body sweat trapped under four layers of fancy clothing and trying to smile for professional photographs when the sweat is stinging your eyes and causing your man parts to stick together like a Rice Krispie treat. But it's worth it.
For everyone involved in summer weddings, we advise you stay hydrated, keep the SPF close if it is outdoors and try not to hurt yourself on the dance floor. And you know that bridesmaid who looks like trouble? We'd tell you to stay away from her, but we know you won't.
No. 2 - Patriotic Bikini Babes
The only thing better than American pride and firecrackers are the girls who embody both of those things on their physical bodies in the form of the "Stars and Stripes" on their teeny bikinis. And there’s no better place to find this treasure than at some of the best beaches in America.
Yes, bikini season has returned and with an overwhelming sense of summer in the air, you’ll feel an overwhelming sense of pride in your country as you thank your nation for providing women with the red, white and blue nipple tassels and very little else this time of the year. God bless America. (Pictured: Leticia Cline)
Next: Summertime Dos and Don'ts
No. 1 - Fireworks on Independence Day
For the adult in us all who believes strongly in our nation, its potential to be better and the people who have fought hard for its honor, along with the kid in us all who loves sparklers and shooting Roman candles at his friends from a short distance, this Fourth of July is for you.
After a few rough years economically and way too many domestic tragedies this past year, here’s hoping for a bright, safe future for the USA — but one that still includes plenty of fireworks. Nothing says independence for a country like a bunch of awesome fireworks. Have fun!