The month of May can really bring things into bloom, whether it’s your freshly planted gardenias or your budding personal life. Expect a few sweet surprises and new beginnings this month. This is not your horoscope; these are the facts, you dingbat. Here are the ten best things about May.
No. 10 - May Flowers
Like the saying goes, hopefully everybody got their April showers in order to see some flowers this spring. Flowers are single-handedly one of the most incredible things on the planet that serve little purpose except to inspire beauty. If you didn’t get rain, your neighbor is going to be up your ass all summer about watering your lawn properly so some flowers pop up anyway. That way his property value doesn’t drop any lower than that one month you let your dog crap on his lawn without picking any of it up.
No. 9 - Spring Deals
Flowers aren’t the only things blowing up this May. Spring deals on the summer goodies like gas grills and outdoor gear, as well as big home purchases like mattresses and big screen TVs, are up and on sale. If you’re planning to get blackout drunk on your own lawn in front of your friends during the upcoming May and summer holidays, you might as well have a sweet, affordable grill to go with your gathering. Your buddies can grill up some meaty masterpieces and concoct some killer cocktails while you show off your beer pong skills to the new neighbor girl who probably already has a boyfriend.
No. 8 - May Day Baskets (May 1)
One of my fondest memories from childhood is hearing the doorbell ring on an early school day morning, dew still on the grass, with nobody on the other side of the door when I answered. An early weekday morning prank? How dare those damn kids with their high top sneakers and hair gel! Until I look down and see a paper plate folded over and stapled shut, only to be opened to the blossoming goodness of May Day candy treats. From there the day only got better, until I was shoved into a locker and stuck there with a full bladder.
No. 7 - National Teacher Day (May 7)
Wherever we end up in our lives, there’s a good chance that someone helped us along the way, most likely a teacher with some gentle wisdom and much-needed guidance. Or, perhaps it was the sarcastic, call-it-like-they-see-it teacher who gave life to you straight and helped you avoid living in a cardboard box or getting a girl pregnant. Whatever the case, National Teacher Day is the perfect time to send a letter or personally thank that teacher, even if it means going back and roaming the school halls where you once were shoved into lockers with a full bladder.
No. 6 - National Bike Month
Park the car when you can, get some exercise and save the ozone from your violent fumes. Feel the wind in your damn hair for once, you lazy, tree-hating jerk, and celebrate National Bike Month like a good American should.
If you can’t make a drastic change, at least park it on the weekends, borrow some wheels if you have to and make the roads a little safer. Get together with your friends and make a day out of riding around together. It’ll be great; trust us. You can ride around like the prepubescent troublemakers you once were, TP'ing houses and banging on doors, perhaps even leaving May Day baskets at 6 a.m. on a school day.
No. 5 - NBA Playoffs Heat Up
Already underway in late April, we have to highlight the NBA excitement running all over our TV sets. Although there are an unfortunate number of sidelined stars, including Derrick Rose, Kobe Bryant, Rajon Rondo and now Russell Westbrook, it’ll still be a month full of intense action and a close race to the end. By the end, we’re referring to The Finals in June where whoever meets up with the Miami Heat will inevitably get crushed and go home with their (basket) balls thoroughly kicked. But still, May NBA hoops will be fun.
No. 4 - Graduation Season
Finally, all that beer drinking, unprotected sex with promiscuous sorority girls and skipping classes in the name of ultimate Frisbee is paying off. Congrats. Your graduation is the culmination of all your half-baked hard work and adolescent experimentation in a three-hour ceremony of regurgitated false hopes that the world is your oyster and you can easily get that dream job right out the door in that big beautiful world you feel so entitled to run.
When you go to receive your diploma, don’t be surprised if they hand you a blank sheet of paper since they weren’t sure you’d make it to the ceremony. And when you finally get to the front of the line, the lady who says, “Welcome to the alumni club” is really saying, “Are you ready to make a donation?” Just smile with your cheesy, half-drunk smirk and say, “I already did; it’s called tuition, but why don’t we at least wait until I get my freaking diploma LADY!”
(Editor's note: Congratulations to all high school, college and grad school grads.)
No. 3 - Cinco de Mayo (May 5)
That's right, another holiday stolen from another country for no good reason other than we like to party. Americans who didn’t get their fill on St. Patty’s Day will go to bat at the bars again, slamming whatever alcoholic beverages they can in the name of their Mexican brethren under the red, hot sun. No wonder some other countries don’t like us anymore; we keep stealing their cool stuff.
No. 2 - Mother’s Day (May 12)
We men wouldn’t be the sensitive, kind-hearted gentlemen we are without our mothers, and on this day, we celebrate their incredible talent of raising little a-holes like us. For every time we started screaming and crying when we didn’t get our way, we salute these strong-willed women who managed to avoid drowning us in the bathtub when they clearly had the chance to pass it off as an accident.
Do something wildly nice and surprise your mommy this Mother’s Day. If that means flying to her doorstep to give her a hug or taking some time out of your busy day to do something to show how grateful you are, like buying flowers, then please do. There’s probably no one else to credit for the good parts of your life, because we sure as hell don’t know what we’d be doing without these lovely women.
Next: Funny College Dorm Signs
No. 1 - Memorial Day (May 27)
There is obviously a good reason for Memorial Day, for celebrating the people who have died serving our country, but the extra long weekend also usually serves as a summer kick-off party. And for the oblivious ungrateful jerks, an extra evening of bad decisions and an extra afternoon for burning like pale hillbillies after ignorantly refusing to put on sunscreen is usually the outcome.
By all means, get loaded and have your cookout on your new sexy beast of a grill, but take a second to have a moment of gratitude for the people who helped make that party possible by giving their lives fighting for our freedom. And as you timber towards the ground once you’ve hit complete dehydration, make sure you salute those wonderful folks before you fall.